Staggered Hearts
by Gryffindwhore
Summary: Lily Evans/James Potter scenes from their 5th year and up at Hogwarts. Mostly cannon, but I took some liberties (my apologies to J.K. Rowling) to make it flow.
1. I dare you

It actually started off as a joke. It was 5th year and everyone had just arrived at Hogwarts from the summer. After the feast, the marauders were up in their dorm talking about what girls became hot and planning their next prank.  
"You know who isn't hideous," James said, suddenly, in between talking about the purple slime or dungbombs they could plant. "Evans." The other three boys grew momentarily silent until Sirius broke down into laughter. James threw a pillow at him. "What?"

"Caught the scent of the flower, have you, Prongs?"

"Of course not. I'm just saying. She doesn't look so much like...oh...like a red haired string bean anymore." His face was red, so he looked down at the quaffed that he was absentmindedly twirling in his hand.

"Mhmm." Sirius said, still smiling. Peter tittered along, and Remus cracked a small half smile. "The rest of us noticed years ago," Sirius continued. "You've just been too much of an ass to see anything beyond a girl who's throwing herself at you."

"Pot, cauldron," James retorted.

Sirius rolled his eyes. "Ask her out."

"What? No!" James sat up sharply. He'd said she wasn't ugly, nothing past that.

Sirius returned his glare with a smirk. "I dare you." Dares were kind of their thing. It's how they came up with most of the pranks that they pulled. Each of them thought of absurd jokes, and they would dare each other to see who was stupid enough to do it. James and Sirius were always stupid enough. They never turned down a dare.

"Fine." James finally said, grinning confidently. "It's not like she'll say no, anyway. He turned over in his bed, ending the conversation, while the other boys simply stared at him.

"Do you think he's talking about the same Evans?" Peter whispered. The others shrugged.

* * *

That weekend, Lily was reading a muggle book that she'd taken from home beside the lake. She'd asked Severus to come with her, but he'd denied. He'd been stand-offish since they'd been back at school, and Lily noticed the snake tattoo on one of his Slytherin friends' arms. She wasn't sure what to make of him anymore. She heard someone calling her name, and looked up hoping to see Sev, only to find James Potter sauntering her way. She groaned. Loudly.  
She didn't fight with Potter, exactly. But she didn't appreciate him either. He and his friends, Black, Lupin, and Pettigrew, made teasing Sev a kind of sport, and she wouldn't put up with it no matter how stupid her friend was being lately. She didn't say anything until Potter was upon her, looking at her expectantly. "Hi," she said shortly.

"Evans!" Potter said, flopping down beside her without asking if she wanted him there. If he had asked, well she could have come up with some excuse. "I've missed you all summer!" James exclaimed.

Lily couldn't help it. She laughed. "I doubt that," she said. Rumors flew about as frequently as flies around garbage when it came to girls and James Potter.

"It's true!"

"If you say so."

"I do," he said breezily.

She simply nodded and turned her attention back to her book, hoping he would get the hint and leave. She should have known better.  
He took the book out of her hands. "So, Evans, I thought we could catch up at Hogsmeade next weekend."

"Potter, could I have my book back please?" Lily tried to keep the frustration from her voice, but it wasn't working.

"Not until you say yes," Potter replied.

Lily sighed and put her hand up to her hair, subtly slipping her wand out of where she'd stuck it hastily like a chop stick in her messy bun. "Accio book," she said monotonously, lazily flicking her wand and grabbing the book as it flew to her. She hadn't planned it, but couldn't help the laugh that slipped through her lips when her book slapped Potter in the face, knocking off his glasses in the process. She jumped up while he was preoccupied. "Sorry, Potter," she said trying her hand at an obnoxious smirk like his. "It's a no."


	2. Tiger Lily

**A/N:** 1) I don't own anything. Obviously. 2) The second chapter is a little dry. Sorry. I'm still setting the scene and building characters and whatnot, but I've got the rest of it planned out and it SHOULD be more interesting later.

Reviews are appreciated ;)

* * *

Since the day by the lake, James couldn't stop thinking about Evans. First...well, no one—no girl— ever turned him down! He talked to Sirius and they both figured that she was having a bad day. Maybe James caught her in a mood. So, two weeks passed and James tried again. The marauders watched from behind a wall as James saddled up beside Lily, who was hurrying to class. When she saw him beside her, her step faltered.

"What do you want, Potter?" Her words were biting, but her voice was wary.

"Dinner." James said. "You. Me. Butterbeer, maybe some fire whiskey if you can handle it. A romantic moonlit walk." He gave her the smile he reserved for girls that he charmed. They always seemed to soften around that smile.

"No, thank you." Lily said sternly. She walked a bit faster, but James kept up effortlessly, not bothered by her lack of reaction at the smile.

"Oh, come on Evans! Live a little!" James tried to get a little closer, but Lily had been speeding up and they were practically jogging by now.

"My life is just fine, thanks." Lily stopped suddenly and James overshot, running into a second year Slytherin, who saw who he'd hit and scurried away with a terrified expression on his face. James took the time to roll his eyes at the little runt before turning back to Lily. She was nowhere to be seen. James groaned and made his way back to his friends, who were laughing hysterically.

"Shut up," He said when he got to them. They just shook their heads and laughed louder. James just sighed, thinking that he'd have to step up his game from now on.

* * *

Lily wasn't sure how much more of James Potter she could take. She'd never been his biggest fan, but he just kept getting worse and worse. Within a week, he'd become her least favorite person at Hogwarts. Within three weeks, she knew he wouldn't give up asking her out. She wasn't even sure why he was doing it; he never showed any preference to her before this year. It was quite the opposite, in fact, as she was friends with Sev, who was marginally abused by him and his cohorts. She began to avoid Potter at all costs, but damn, was he persistent. He'd charm her quill to write on her paper independent of her, claiming he wouldn't stop until she went out with him. She hit him with a dizzy hex so subtly that the teachers couldn't even figure out what had happened. He spoke to her suggestively, which made her want to run away, or throw up, or both. But even though she kept rejecting him, or hexing him, the proposals never stopped. She began to walk different routes to class each morning to avoid it. She made Alice and Marlene promise not to tell him where she was, and she tried to stay out of the common room as much as possible.

"This is ridiculous, Lily," Alice said one day. She and Marlene, another Gryffindor, were getting ready to go to the Quidditch match against Slytherin, which was always the most exciting of the year. Normally, Lily would be going with them, but she couldn't stand to be where Potter was. "You can't just organize your life around James Potter."

"I'm doing the opposite of that, actually," Lily said, miffed.

"Not really," Marlene cut in. "You're doing everything you can just to avoid him. I know you want to come to the game today."

"I have homework."

"I'm in the same classes as you," Alice reminded her. "We don't have _that_ much homework." Alice pulled the quill out of Lily's hand and Marlene pulled the book from her lap. They were in the process of forcing her into a Gryffindor scarf when Lily had had enough.

"Alright, stop already!"

"Will you come willingly?"

"Yes, if you promise to stop strangling me!" Marlene and Alice dropped the scarf immediately and backed away with satisfied grins on their faces. Lily groaned, but she had to admit that they were right: She had to deal with him the hard way, not wither in seclusion her whole life.

* * *

The marauders were slacking on their usual pranks. James was usually the planner, but these days, the only things he planned were new ways to ask Lily Evans out. Sirius entered their dorm, only to groan when he saw James sitting on the bed, pondering. It had become a very common pose for him to take these days. James looked up to see Sirius and opened his mouth. "I don't want to hear it," Sirius said before any words could come out of his friend's mouth. "If your next sentence has anything to do with Lily Evans, I swear I'll put a bat bogey hex on you. And then I'll throw you out the window."

James narrowed his eyes. "I was thinking, Padfoot, that we should be planning new pranks."

Sirius grinned. "Prongs! You're back!" Sirius leapt on his best friend's bed. "I thought there would never be another day where I didn't have to hear about you're perfect flower."

"Ugh, Padfoot, with the puns!"

"You know they're my best material," Sirius said.

"That's saying something," James dodged a halfhearted punch that Sirius swung at him. "Now, we're going to Hogsmeade next week, so I was thinking..."

Sirius was ecstatic about the new prank, until James brought up his part. "I was thinking I'll sit this one out," He said. "I think Evans is going, and I'll see if I can catch up to her."

"No. No, no, no. Prongs." Sirius sighed. "I regret the day I ever dared you to ask Lily Evans out. What was I thinking?"

"What?" James seemed dumbfounded.

"Mate, I think you need an intervention." Sirius flopped face down on his own bed. The other two marauders found them like this a few moments later, Sirius unmoving on his bed, wallowing about how wrong the world had become, and James studiously ignoring him while reading up on invisible ink hexes.

* * *

Lily was on her way to her dorm when she came upon a tiger lily that was blooming beautifully. The only issue was that there weren't any tiger lilies at Hogwarts, and flowers didn't tend to bloom in the Gryffindor common rooms. As she stared at the flower, a scroll seemed to pop up from the middle of it, as if blooming itself. Her name was scrawled on the outside of the scroll. Lily had an immediate bad feeling about this, but she took the scroll anyway and opened it up.

"Lily Evans," It read. "Go out with me and I'll show you what else I can do, Love James."

She looked over to see Potter grinning at her from across the common room. She rolled her eyes, threw the note into the fire and walked away, even if she couldn't bring herself to destroy the flower. "Not likely, Potter," she said over her shoulder.

From then on, he called her "Tiger Lily" from time to time. She often wished she could transfigure herself into a tiger and bite his head off. Perhaps that would finally stop him from talking.


	3. Under the Tree

**Disclaimer**: Obviously not J.K. Rowling.

* * *

By the time their OWLs came along, the marauders lost track of how many times James had asked Lily out. They had to imagine at least once per week. And then Remus dared him to do it every day for an entire month before Christmas break. James was persistent and never seemed to mind being turned down much, and besides, he loved the way Evans looked when she was put out. Anyway, the marauders needed something to bide their time while they were thinking up new plots. Eventually James had gotten bored just asking Evans out normally and started getting extremely creative. Once, he'd sent her a Howler to ask her out in the middle of lunch. She started responding alike, charming objects to fly at him, or charming his quill to not work and occasionally throwing minor hexes at him, hoping to discourage him. Lily had learned, however, that James Potter was never discouraged.

After winter break, during one of the Quidditch games he knew she'd been drug to, he'd charmed a firework to spell out "Date me -James" with a shape of a lily behind it. He grinned and looked towards her, while she sat with her head in her hands. "What's it to be, Evans?" He asked when he flew up to her. Lily rolled her eyes at him.

"Ask me one more time, and the sky won't be the only thing that's on fire," Lily replied cheerfully.

* * *

Lily never quite understood why James wouldn't quit asking her out. She knew he went out with other girls, she was sure she didn't want to know what he _did _with them. She knew he didn't really like _her_, yet he seemed rather surprised every time she turned him down. She thought that yeah, the asking-her-on-dates, it really did annoy her, but as the landscape at Hogwarts grew greener and the end of 5th year approached, Lily reasoned that she'd become so used to it, it was useless to let it bother her. It's not as if asking her out for a joke was harming anyone. So most of the time, Lily attempted to ignore James and his foolishness.

* * *

Lily was happy. She could finally take a weekend to relax after a whole week of OWLs. She had decided that she needed to talk to Severus. They hadn't had a real conversation in weeks, not since Sev had tried to warn her off Potter (like she didn't already know!), but Lily knew Sev would back her up if she needed him. They'd looked out for each other since before Hogwarts.

Lily knew he usually spent his free time under the tree by the lake in between classes, so she was headed in that direction when she heard the cheering. She hurried towards the sound, a curious feeling weighing down her stomach. The first thing she saw was the crowd. It had surged in a circle around a boy below the tree. A boy hanging upside down, from midair. A boy that Lily would recognize anywhere. "Severus!" Lily shouted, but no one heard her. Instead, she heard shouting and cheers of "Snivellous" coming from the crowd.

And then she knew. There were only a few people who really used that name for Sev. She looked around and saw Remus standing apart from his awful friends with a concerned look on his face, and Peter Pettigrew beside him, howling with laughter. "Do something!" She yelled at him, but he just looked at her, apologetically grim. As if this was just a mistake. As if torturing a defenseless boy was just an inconvenience. Lily was furious. She yanked out her wand and shoved her way through the mass of people until she reached the front of it. She took one look at her friend for bravery-to remind her why she was doing this, and turned to Potter and Black, who were laughing and pointing their wands at her friend. "How dare you!" She screamed at them. "James Potter! Sirius Black! Supposedly heroes among men. How does picking on a defenseless boy make you a better person? Put him down! Quit hexing him!"

"I will if you go out with me, Evans," James said, a mix between cheer and menace in his voice.

Speechless with fury, Lily momentarily froze, before gathering her wits. She pointed her wand at Potter. "Expelliarmus!" She yelled, and both James's and Sirius's wands flew from their hands, causing the hex to be released and Sev to fall to the ground with a thump. Lily ran to him to help him up. Black and Potter stopped grinning, and tried to excuse themselves. "You," Lily said coldly, pointing her wand at them again. Normally, she wouldn't dream of actually hexing someone, but she wasn't in the best of mindsets at that moment. "Shut up." She turned back to her friend...who was glaring at her. "Sev," she said, startled at the heat of his stare. "Are you okay?" Her hands went out to help him, but he shoved her away and pushed himself up, unsteadily.

"I don't need help from a filthy mudblood," he murmured. In the clamor of the crowd a few minutes before, the comment would have been a whisper, but in the silence following Lily's outburst, his sentence cracked like a whip. She gasped and jerked backward, as if slapped. Her breath hurt as she processed his words. It sounded like something Lestrange would say. Or Malfoy. Or Bellatrix. But never Sev. And he'd said it as if it cost him nothing. She stood up slowly, shakily, and told herself that she wouldn't cry. Not here with her classmates staring at her in pity and in annoyance. She heard Potter speak up again, trying to defend her to Sev. She turned on him.

"Don't even try, Potter," Lily said. Her voice wasn't as strong as she wanted it to be, but at least it didn't crack. "You're just as bad as he his. As they all are." She didn't have to specify. Potter knew who she was talking about, and she knew that he knew how they treated her. She turned around and started to walk away, but thought better of it for a minute. "And you know what? If I had to choose between dating you and the giant squid, I'd never choose you."

With that, she sped from the lake and barely made it to the Gryffindor common rooms before breaking down. She couldn't help but hear the echo of that horrible word in her footsteps as she ran from the scene. _Mud-blood. Mud-blood._

* * *

James just wanted Moony to shut up. Usually, James's and Sirius's friend never said a word to them about their pranks, but today, he was all 'disappointed', and 'ashamed', and disapproving all over their dormitory. "Moony," Sirius groaned. "Calm down. We were just having a laugh."

James chuckled slightly at the memory of Snape hanging upside down, his robs practically falling off, his trousers riding up, and his skinny pale legs comically bared. And then, he stopped laughing all together as he thought about what had happened afterwards. When Evans had first taken off, it was all Sirius and Peter could do to hold James back from going after Snivellous again. How dare the rat (nothing against Wormtail) call Lily such a terrible thing! They'd convinced him just to leave and go back to the dorms, but he'd snuck an itching hex at Snape before they'd confiscated his wand, making him a bit satisfied, even if he'd wanted to do so much more.

"We've got to get him back," James interrupted Sirius's groaning and Remus's annoyed complaints.

"Get who back for what?" Peter asked from his bed, where he'd been attempting to shut everyone out. Obviously, he was having a hard time of it.

"Snape. For what he said to Evans."

"Prongs, I'm pretty sure you more than got him back for that today," Remus stated.

"Preemptive retribution doesn't count, Moony." James shoved his hand through his hair, trying not to think about the rage on Lily's face when she saw what they'd been doing to Snivellous. It's not like it was without reason, James figured. Snape practically asked to be hexed every day of his life.

"I'm thinking about more than stupid revenge," Remus insisted.

"I think he deserves it," Sirius spoke up.

"What do you mean, Moony?" James responded, ignoring Sirius for the moment.

"I mean I'm thinking about Evans."

"You what?" James was up off of his bed in a second and advancing towards Remus.

"Merlin, Prongs, calm down. I mean, I saw how angry she was at you. Do you really want to damage your chances of getting with Evans more than they already are?" James paused and let Remus's words sink in. Then, unwilling to admit that Remus was right, he grunted gruffly and returned to his bed without a word.

"But we can still prank Snivellous as long as the flower never finds out, yes?" Sirius broke the silence. All three of the other marauders threw pillows at him to shut him up.

* * *

"Let's go, Lil," Marlene McKinnon called to her friend. "You've got to come out sometime."

"I don't have any classes today," Lily responded sullenly.

"You've been wallowing and withering away in here for a week. There's only another week left of school. Plus, all of your friends are worried," Marlene leaned against the door frame in the dormitory that the two girls shared with Alice and the other 5th year girls.

"What friends?" Lily laughed humorlessly. "It's just you and Alice now."

"Yeah, and we're both worried about you, okay?" Marlene sighed, frustrated when Lily didn't respond. "Snape is a dick. He doesn't deserve this response," Marlene shot out darkly.

"Don't talk about him like that!" Lily shot back, her face red and her eyes filling with tears that didn't seem to ever quite leave these days. She wasn't sure why she was so quick to defend Sev; she certainly hadn't forgiven him. "You've _always_ judged me for being friends with him. You've always judged him for being a Slytherin. You've no right to say things like that."

Marlene stepped back a step, surprised at the wrath of Lily's words. "Lil, I was just speaking true," She insisted. Marlene never quite knew when to stop. "Lily, no one who was ever really your friend would have called you that name."

"Well, real friends don't judge their friends for who they associate with."

"Is that what you think I'm doing, Lily? I'm trying to help you."

"I don't want you to. I don't need help." Lily turned on her bed so she wouldn't have to face Marlene.

"Fine," The other girl said harshly. "I'll just leave you alone then. Let me know when you remember who your real friends are." Lily waited until she couldn't hear the girl's angry footsteps before sobbing quietly into her pillow.

* * *

**Author's Note**: So. Basically, that's the end of 5th year. I know my chapters are short. I try to make them a little longer every time, but it doesn't really happen that way. Also this fic is pretty fluffy and happy all the time so it's not really conductive of long chapters. Lo siento!

Anyway, review if you please.


	4. Not so friend-less

**Author's Note/Disclaimer**: I don't own any of this. Obviously. (side note: I feel like this should be glaringly obvious. Do I really need to put it before EVERY chapter?!)

* * *

Lily stood alone in a compartment of the Hogwarts express and breathed deeply. The last few weeks of fifth year were abominable. Ever since Sev-Snape called her... that name, Lily felt like shrinking into herself and hiding from the world. And it seemed to have worked, for a while. Even James Potter stopped bothering her. And then school was over and she went home for the break, where she could try to pretend that nothing having to do with Hogwarts was wrong. She only heard from the wizard world by the occasional letter from Alice. She hadn't spoken to Marlene since they fought last term, but she wasn't sure how to approach her anymore. She knew it was her stupid Gryffindor pride getting in the way.

But now, she was back and she was a prefect, and she couldn't hide any longer. She straightened her robes and took one more deep breath before pushing her way out of the compartment.

* * *

James couldn't wait to get back to school. The wizard world had been buzzing with rumors and news of the "Lord Voldemort" fellow all summer. He didn't want to admit it, but he was scared. He saw firsthand what those stupid minions of his-the death eaters-would do. He was hoping that Hogwarts would make it all go away. That is, James knew that it wouldn't go away, but Hogwarts was secluded enough from the outside world- even the wizard one-that it might just be possible to forget.

He and the marauders were sitting in a compartment and bantering back and forth. They'd been ribbing Moony about his prefect stature, and talking about Prong's appointment to captain of the Quidditch team.

Remus opened the door of the compartment and started to leave for his Prefect meeting when he crashed into something. Something that was small, and fairly red, and extremely feminine. James stood up, as if to help them up, but Remus had already done that job, helping Evans up and apologizing for running into her. Evans was apologizing too, until she saw who she'd smacked into.

"Oh," she said. "Hello Remus." Her voice held a bit of wariness and hurt in it, even months after the incident had occurred. She looked away from him, and into the marauders compartment. Sirius put a hand on James's shoulder and forced him to sit down-he hadn't even known he'd been standing. Lily's face colored, in anger and embarrassment, and she looked down at the floor. "I've got to go."

"Wait," Remus called after her. She stopped and turned around. "You're a prefect too?"

"Too?" Lily echoed before seeing the badge on Remus's robes. "Perfect," she mumbled.

"Let's walk to the meeting together," Remus suggested. Evans looked like she wanted to do anything but that, but she agreed anyway.

After they'd gone, Sirius turned to James. "Damn," he whistled through his teeth. "You've got it bad."

"I haven't got anything," James insisted.

"Oh shut it, Prongs," Peter exclaimed. "You were so tightly wound I thought you might burst through the ceiling."

"I just feel bad is all. For what happened last year."

"Sure you do, Prongs," Sirius was chortling quietly, and James just groaned and put his head in his hands.

* * *

"Look, Lily," Remus said to her as they walked down to the end of the train. "I know you're still angry at me for what happened last year."

"I don't want to talk about it," Lily said belligerently.

"I know, and I'm sorry," Remus pushed on. "But I need to apologize. I should have spoken out. I should have said something to them. But those guys, they've been with me through just about anything you can imagine. It's difficult to repay that, and sometimes I get a little mixed up trying to make up for it." She still wasn't looking at him. "Lily," Remus said. Begged, even. "I'm truly sorry."

Lily cleared her throat after a while. "It's alright. I suppose I should probably let go of the whole thing anyway." Not that she would. She could never forget the look on Snape's face while the other boys hexed him continuously. And then his face after...

"Oh no. Don't give the rest of them any slack," Remus said, grinning. "They deserve it all."

Lily grinned back and thought that she might not be so friendless this year after all.

* * *

Lily was in the library studying for a charms exam when she felt someone come up beside her. She tensed. These days, someone coming up to her was not necessarily a good thing, especially when she lacked the safety of the Gryffindor tower. She looked up to see Potter standing over her chair, grinning like a mad man. She felt immediate relief that her unwanted visitor wasn't Lestrange, or Malfoy, or even a Black, but that turned into annoyance immediately. "Potter," She said curtly. "What do you want?" It seemed like this was how they always started their 'conversations'.

"You know," he replied to her, "If you wanted help with charms, you could have just asked me."

"And get hexed in the process? No, thanks," Lily spat. She was true to her word. After she'd forgiven Remus, they'd become fast friends, but she'd never been comfortable with the rest of the marauders.

"Aw, come on Evans. That was one time."

"That's not true. It was just the worst time."

"Look," He said, running his hand through his obnoxiously messy hair. Lily wasn't sure how hair could be obnoxious, but Potter seemed to make it happen. "I'm sorry about that, okay? Sirius and I, we got carried away..."

"Looked to me like Snape got carried away, not you two pricks."

Potter's face flushed. "How are you still defending that little shit? I heard what happened after..."

"You and everyone else at Hogwarts, Potter. I don't need the reminder."

"Right," Potter sighed and shoved his hand back into his hair. It was a really annoying habit that he had, Lily decided. Everything about him was annoying. "Look. I came over here to see if you needed help in transfiguration. I noticed that you had a little trouble with the bird spell and thought I could help."

Lily's eyes narrowed. It was just like him to point out her faults. "I don't need your help, Potter," She said coldly. She stood up quickly. "Now if you'll excuse me, I've got more important things to do than stand here arguing with you."

"I...but..." James couldn't seem to form a complete sentence, and Lily smiled slightly as she walked away, even if she did retain her anger.

* * *

"Why do you think she got so pissed off," James asked the marauders later. The marauders sighed in unison. They didn't even have to ask who he was talking about. Lily Evans was all James Potter ever talked about, really.

"Prongs, you told her that she wasn't doing well in her classes," Sirius said.

"Not a good plan," Remus responded. "You know how proud she gets about her grades."

"No, actually, I don't, because you won't tell me anything about her, Moony" James accused of his friend.

"Only because when I do you get that gross look on your face!" Remus exclaimed.

"It's true," Peter put in. "You get all squishy-looking and your eyes glaze over, it's kind of sad, mate."

"Oh, shut up, you two," James said. They all dropped the subject, but every now and then the marauders heard James mumbling under his breath about squishy faces.

* * *

Marlene was waiting on Lily's bed when she got back from rounds that night. "What are you doing?" Lily asked her in a flat voice.

"Apologizing," Marlene said. "Look, Lil. I'm sorry for what I said last semester, okay? I just got all worked up about..."

"Snape."

"Yeah," Marlene blew out a large breath. "That." She shook her head, a blush heating her face. "I wanted to make you feel better, and I wanted to get revenge on him, and I handled everything wrong. I'm sorry."

"You really hurt me, Mar." Lily murmured. She sat down on the foot of her bed, not quite looking at Marlene, but at least she wasn't walking away.

"I know."

Lily took a deep breath. "I'm sorry too."

"For what?"

"Saying you weren't a real friend. That was wrong. You were one of the closest friends I ever had."

"Yeah, well I sure wasn't acting like it that day, was I?"

Lily shook her head, a half smile gracing her face. "Neither was I though." She stood up and held out her hand to Marlene. "Friends? I haven't really got many of them, after all. I should learn to keep the ones I have." Marlene took her hand and Lily pulled her off the bed and into a hug.

* * *

"Moony!" James exclaimed as Remus was just about to leave their dormitory. "Where are you going?"

"The library. Lily and I are going to study."

"Can I come with?"

"No."

"But-"

"She actually doesn't mind me right now, Prongs. If I let you come with me, she'd throw me out on the street."

"Moony..." James started dangerously.

"What?"

"You don't like her do you?"

"Merlin, Prongs, of course not. But I do like being her friend, and she's not really fond of you, is she?"

"What does she tell you about me?"

"We don't talk about you, Prongs."

"You don't try to redeem me?"

Remus turned on his best friend. "Look," he said. "She's right. You were kind of an ass. I'm not saying that she shouldn't forgive you or anything, but she hasn't really seen a reason to at this point. Plus, she hates talking about you with me, because she knows I'll defend you if I can."

James was quiet for a minute, and then picked Remus up in a huge hug. "Aw, Moony! You do love me!"

"Gerroff me, Prongs!" Remus shouted. James dropped him and laughed, sauntering over to his bed.

"Have fun with Evans! Put in a good word for me!"

"I'll try," Remus sighed, thinking that that would probably be impossible.

* * *

Lily had been making friends more steadily than ever since 6th year had started. Over the summer, she'd only talked to Alice, and that was very infrequently. True, she made up with Marlene and Remus and her had become friends, but she'd never thought that she'd be called popular. It seemed to her, however, that once she and Remus had become friends, everyone wanted to be her friend, too. Maybe it was his social status that made her desirable, but Lily had other ideas. She never approached Snape anymore. Sometimes she saw him looking at her, but when he caught her looking back, his face would twist into a sneer that would cause her to wince and turn away again. Being friends with Snape made her a bit of a pariah, and now that he was gone, even metaphorically so, she was more approachable.

She would have given her newly found social status to be friends with Sev-her Sev, not the abominable prick that he'd become- any day.

Remus and Lily were studying for their last exams before winter break. It was well past bedtime for most people, and they had just gotten past potions, which Lily excelled at, and onto Transfiguration, which neither of them really aced.

"You know," Remus said hesitantly, after they'd tried and failed to transfigure a pillow into a live dove. "James is really good at this stuff. He could probably help us."

"Remus," Lily sighed. Not angrily, exactly, more frustrated or defeated. "I know he's your friend, and I'm sorry, but I just can't work with him. He just makes me so angry."

"I know...I understand why. I just think that he could help, is all."

"I don't think being in the same room with him is a good idea, when I can avoid it."

"Do you mind..." Remus trailed off.

"What is it?" Lily looked up from the parchment she was reading.

"I know we never talk about this stuff. But do you mind me asking why you hate him so much?"

"I don't necessarily hate him..." Remus just stared at Lily unblinkingly. She sighed. "Okay, fine. I don't like him. He's just. He doesn't think about other people. He doesn't think! And he's always trying to rub his success into other people's faces, and I know you don't agree with me because you're his friend, but he's really conceited and a know-it-all," Lily quieted for a second. "And. And when I look at him, all I can think about is that day. Sev-Snape and I may not be friends anymore, but no one deserves to be treated the way that the marauders treated him that day."

"I know,"

"No. You don't. I know that none of you like him. Severus, I mean. I don't like him much anymore either. But Snape was there for me when no one else was. Before I even knew what being a witch meant. Before I came to Hogwarts and found a home. Snape was there for me when my own family couldn't be. And I guess, well, part of me blames Potter for taking that away from me." She looked up to see Remus looking at her apologetically. "I know it's ridiculous. Snape was the one that said it. But I can't find it in myself to place all of the blame on Snape."

"I think that's justified," Remus said after a while. They were quiet, and Lily looked back down at her transfiguration book, trying to find out how she'd gone wrong. "Maybe we were pronouncing it wrong," Remus suggested. Lily shrugged, but was glad that they'd moved past their former conversation. She did acknowledge to herself, however, that maybe it was time to forgive Potter—not for being an arse in general, but for what happened. He had sort of tried to apologize after all. And, well, she didn't think she could ever be his friend, but it might help her if she didn't have to always hate him. Besides, he didn't seem like such a prat anymore. Remus interrupted her thoughts with another question about the exam, so she shook herself internally and focused on studying.

* * *

**Author's Note pt 2**: Hey! Sorry for not getting this chapter out last week. I'd been trying to update once a week consistently, but it turns out that college is a challenge when you're trying to write and get ready for a convention on the side. But that convention is over now (it was awesome btw) and I'm free to avoid doing school work all I want! I hope you enjoy :D Review if you like it!


	5. Study Buddies

**Disclaimer**: I don't own these characters. Duh.

* * *

James was walking off the Quidditch pitch after practice when he heard someone calling his name. _Probably one of my adoring fans_, he thought. He looked up, smirking, but his smile dropped when he saw Lily Evans running towards him. Lily Evans, who had never said a word to him unprovoked, who barely ever glanced at him, and who glared whenever she got the chance, was walking towards him, calling his name in_ public_. Granted, her head was down so he couldn't see her face, as if that would camouflage her. As though he, or anyone else, wouldn't be able to tell her apart by her hair. He put a smile back on his face for show, but his heart was beating embarrassingly quickly. "What can I do for you, Evans?"

"I need to talk to you," Lily said grimly. She wouldn't look at him, and she was frowning intensely. James wasn't sure why, but she made him want to laugh, and then tug her towards him to hold her all at the same time. He instead, he just stood there, smiling at her, raising his eyebrows, and waiting for her to talk. "Privately," She said after he didn't respond. She looked around at the pitch, where his team was gawking at them. Well, Lily Evans talking willingly to James Potter was quite a spectacle.

"Oh, right," James looked around before tugging her under the bleachers with him. He took one look at her face and laughed out loud. She looked scandalized.

"Not here, Potter!"

"Well, where would you want to go? At least they won't be spying on us here."

"Well they're probably thinking I'm having my way with you or something," She huffed, waving a hand franticly. James thought she looked especially fantastic when she was huffing, but he didn't want to dwell on how good she looked, or how it sounded when she said 'have my way with you'. That was dangerous territory.

"Okay, sorry. Sorry. Would you like to walk to Hagrid's with me? I promised him I'd help him with some of the animals after he caught me out after hours a few nights ago." The lie flowed easily from him, as it always did. The marauders had a stash of stories for what they'd be doing during full moons, in case they were ever caught in a compromising position.

"You know I could give you detention for that?"

"Yeah, but you wouldn't. You want something from me." James said in a matter-of-fact way. It was true, they both knew, but James didn't care. He was happy enough that she was talking to him at all.

"Fine," Lily colored slightly at his words, but led the way out from under the stands.

He caught up to her quickly and waited until they were out of earshot before continuing. "So. To what do I owe this pleasure?"

"I need to ask you something," Lily said.

"Ask away."

"I need—I was wondering..."

"Yes..."

Lily took a deep breath. "I just got my Transfiguration notes back, and I was wondering if you might help me. I can't afford to fail this class."

"Color me shocked," James spouted. "Lily Evans needs my help! The unbreakable Evans asking for help from James Potter."

"Shut up, Potter!" Lily stopped and turned away from him. She put a hand up in front of her face. "I knew this was a terrible idea. I never should have asked you." She started to stomp away, but James reached out quickly and caught her arm.

"Wait, Lily." She turned back to glare at him, but he looked at her sincerely. "I'm sorry. I was just teasing. Please forget I just said that. Here! Let's start over," James was aware that he was rambling, but Lily wasn't glaring at him, just looking at him like he was an idiot. Well, it was better than before, he figured. He took a deep breath. "Of course, Tiger Lily, I'd be happy to help you study." He grinned widely, hoping that she'd just go with it and not get angrier.

"Don't call me that," She said automatically, rolling her eyes. "And this isn't a favor. I don't want to owe you."

"Fine."

"Fine. So I'll help you with Potions, or Charms, or something."

"Sounds good," James said, nearly floating with happiness. She just offered to spend more time with him!

"Okay." They reached Hagrid's hut and Lily turned towards him one last time, meeting his eyes briefly. "We aren't friends," Lily said. James raised his eyebrows, trying to ignore the slight hit that his happiness took. It was a step forward, and that's all that mattered. "I mean. I still don't like you. But I don't really hate you anymore."

"I'll take it, Evans." She looked up at him with a worried expression on her face, as if he might rob her of something, and then turned and ran away. When he couldn't see her anymore, he spun around with his fists up in the air. "Yes!" He exclaimed. He rushed inside the cottage where the other marauders were already waiting for him.

"What was that all about?" Sirius asked.

"Evans asked me to tutor her," James had a satisfied smirk on his face.

"You're lying," Sirius said. Peter and Hagrid, who was stewing something up on his stove laughed.

"Would I make this up, Padfoot?" James put a hand over his heart, as if wounded.

"Guys," Remus said from the corner, where he was huddled. "Love to chat, but I think the moon's coming out fairly soon. Don't want to be here when that happens."

"Right," The marauders said. They bid Hagrid goodbye and headed towards the Whomping Willow, half-carrying, half dragging a shaking Remus behind them.

* * *

When the day came for their first study session, Lily could barely drag herself down to the library. She found a secluded corner, where hopefully no one would see her with Potter, and sat down. She was finishing some homework for charms when he ambled in a few minutes late, as usual, smirking cockily. He sprawled on the seat across from her and grinned madly at her, while she just raised an eyebrow.

"Cozy," He said after a while.

"Secluded," She argued. "No one will know I stooped so low as to ask for help from you."

"Ouch, Evans, you wound me."

"Yeah, well someone at this school has to make sure you're head doesn't get any bigger."

"Believe me; between Remus and Sirius, I've got a few people doing just that."

"Good boy, Remus," Lily muttered. "What about Peter?" She enquired.

"Well, he usually goes along with whatever they do, I suppose."

"Then I guess they all make my job a little easier."

"Which is...?"

"Constantly deflating your ego," Lily shot at him. He smiled at her, and she returned it, a warm feeling inching its way into her chest. Which she didn't like at all. She cleared her throat and whipped her Transfiguration book out of her bag. "Let's get started then," she said, much more sharply than necessary. Potter jerked back, surprised, and then blinked quickly nodding at her.

"You won't need this," He said, closing the book that she'd just opened. "Transfiguration isn't about learning things. It's about confidence."

"That makes absolutely no sense, Potter." Lily opened the book back up to the spell she'd been having trouble with, only to have him close it again.

"Who is the one here who has top marks?"

"In one subject!"

"Look, Evans. If you don't want me to help you—and it seems like you really don't—you shouldn't have asked me."

"I..." Lily closed her mouth. There was nothing she could say, really. He was right. She didn't want his help, but she needed it. "Fine," She said, resigned. She dropped her book back in her bag. "Now how do we do this?"

* * *

Lily was walking out of Potions when a folded piece of paper landed on her books. She opened it up.

"Lily,

Meet me at the Astronomy Tower at midnight.

-SS."

She was immediately ecstatic. She was still mad at him, but maybe he'd finally apologize. That's all she wanted, really. She could forgive him for everything if he'd just say he was sorry, well, mostly everything. She looked around to find him, but he was nowhere in sight.

"Why so happy, Evans?" Potter asked her later that evening, when they were studying in the Gryffindor common room. She still tried to avoid him on a daily basis, but since they'd started studying together, Lily decided that their relationship had become a hesitant comradery.

"No reason in particular," She tried to hide her grin to no avail; she was still bursting with hope that Sev was trying to make up with her, but she obviously wouldn't tell Potter that. She had a harder time than normal concentrating on Transfiguration, and finally, she couldn't take it. "Can we cut this short? I've got...stuff to do."

"Eager to get away, Evans?" Potter tried to put on a sad face which didn't last and gave way to a smirk. Lily rolled her eyes.

"As always, Potter." With that she hurried up to the dormitories to stew in silence.

Being a prefect gave her perfect insights on how to avoid getting caught after hours. When 11:30 pm hit, Lily was out of her room and headed towards the astronomy tower. She cautiously walked through the halls, ducking into classrooms or closets when she heard someone coming. She finally got to the top of the tower with a few minutes to spare. Sev was already there waiting for her. He turned around when she came in, and smiled tentatively at her. She wanted to run to him, but she held back, just barely remembering that she was still angry.

"Lily," Sev said. He seemed almost surprised to see her, which Lily realized wasn't such a shock when she thought about it.

"Severus," he winced a bit at the formality, but Lily wanted him to know that she was still hurt, still angry at him, for what he'd called her. "Why did you want to meet me?"

"I wanted to apologize," Sev said haltingly. "Lily, I'm so sorry for what happened last term. I didn't mean it."

"Sev. I know. But you called me a- a _mudblood_," Lily stumbled over the slur. "You were supposed to be my best friend."

"I am your best friend!"

"Sev, you haven't talked to me since it happened. You've been hanging out with those racist gits! How is that being a friend?"

"I'm trying to apologize for that. I'm sorry that I didn't talk to you. I'm sorry that I called you a...that word. I'm sorry that I'm always around those jerks. You're my best friend, Lily. I want us to be close again." Snape looked up at her with wide eyes, pleading her to forgive him.

Lily took a deep breath. "I want that too, Sev." He began to grin, and it was so infectious, she couldn't help but to grin back. "But," she said soberly, "Sev, you really hurt me that day. I'm not sure we can just jump back into the same friendship that we had."

"I know, Lily, I've just missed you."

"I miss you too." The statement felt good, even if she was still really annoyed at him.

"Good," Sev nodded, satisfied. Lily nodded back, and then found the whole situation so ridiculous that laughter bubbled out of her. "What?" Sev asked.

"Nothing," Lily shook her head. "I'm just happy." She looked down at her watch and noticed that it was already almost 12:30 am. She didn't want to be out past curfew longer than she should. "Sev, I should probably get back to the dormitories. Do you want to have lunch tomorrow? Or maybe we could meet after classes by the lake." Lily grinned, but Sev's smile had dropped off her face. Her stomach dropped and her happy attitude was knocked down a few notches.

"Well," Sev looked away.

"What is it?" Lily asked sharply.

"I can't...exactly...be seen with you."

"What?" The monotonous word tore itself out of Lily.

"The other...they don't approve of our friendship. And I tried telling them that I didn't care that you were a... muggleborn, but they care a lot."

"So you're going to listen to those bastards?" Her good mood had completely vanished by now, replaced with shocked hurt.

"I don't have a choice, Lily! They control my house."

"Sev, they don't control your life."

"They might as well," Severus muttered. He lifted his pleading eyes to hers, "I still want to be friends, Lily. I still want to be close to you. I just can't let them know about it." Lily's eyes welled with tears of frustration and pain.

"Severus, you're my best friend. I've forgiven you for what you said to me. I don't care about that...as much anymore. But I won't be your friend only when it's convenient for you. I won't be your dirty little secret that you hide from your pureblood friends." She was crying freely now. "That's cowardly, Sev. I always thought you were so brave, but that's...that's weak." She cleared her throat of emotion.

"Yeah?" He shot back. "And what about you? I've seen you around Potter and his little fan club. I thought you told me you'd never be one of them!"

"I'm not one of them," She shouted. "But in light of certain circumstances, I've been lacking friends. At least the marauders don't have to lie about spending time with me!"

"They're assholes, Lily! All of them."

"At least they come by it honestly," She bit out. "You know what? I'm sick of this. I have to go."

"Wait! Lily!" Sev called after her, but she was already running down the corridor.

* * *

"Lily," Remus said hesitantly. They'd been doing their weekly rounds in silence, which was fine with her. She didn't feel much like talking these days anyway. "Are you...are you okay."

"I'm fine, Remus," Lily sighed. "Just tired is all."

"Okay." Remus was quiet for about a second. "It's just...I know what happened. Between you and Snape."

Lily was aghast. "How?" She snapped. Her face colored in anger and embarrassment.

"Peeves told James, who told me."

"Why would Peeves tell Potter?" Lily groaned.

"He thought it was amusing. Had a good laugh at it, I guess. And Peeves knows that James and Snape..."

"Got it," Lily said. She didn't want to hear any details. "But why would James tell you?"

"He was worried about you," Lily snorted. "It's true. Peeves saw the whole thing. James said it was pretty nasty."

"It was nothing," Lily insisted. "I don't want to talk about it."

"Okay," Remus consented. "But I think James told me because he knows that you're more comfortable around me than any of us. And he wanted to make sure you were okay."

"I don't want Potter knowing my personal business. And I'm fine."

"Noted," Remus said, finally putting an end to their conversation. Lily let out a relieved breath. And then had another thought.

"Remus," She started hesitantly.

"Yes?"

"How many people did Peeves tell?" She was mortified enough that Potter knew, and was telling his friends, but if Peeves told anyone else, the fight between Sev-Snape and her may be all over the school by now.

Remus smiled a small, mischievous, and slightly terrifying smile. "James knows how to control Peeves. He won't tell anyone else." Lily felt a surge of gratitude towards the boy that she quickly battered away. Just because he did a nice thing once in a while didn't mean that he was a good person.

* * *

It took Lily a few weeks to get over the fight she'd had with Severus. In all honesty, she always felt a little twinge of loneliness when she thought about him, but she finally resolved to put it behind her. She laughed with Remus. She became closer to Alice, Marlene, and even other Gryffindor girls like Mary and Emma. She went on a double date with Alice and Frank and a cute Hufflepuff. She was even civil to Potter during one of their studying sessions.

She still looked around for Snape, though. She couldn't entirely help it. One day, they were all in the library: Alice and Frank, Remus, Peter, Sirius, Sirius's girl-of-the-week, James, and Lily. Alice and Frank were fairly blind to the world these days, so Lily was left on her own with the marauders. They weren't studying, of course. Lily wasn't sure that any of the marauders, save Remus, ever studied. But Lily did, so she was here, trying to study, and everyone else was having a grand old time distracting her. "You're an ass, Black," Lily shouted after he'd revealed that it was actually him that'd charmed her broom in second year to fly away from her when she'd try to get near. "I nearly failed flying because of that!" She laughed at it, though. She was finding it was getting a lot easier to laugh and to have light hearted conversations like she used to. She was still grinning when she looked around to see Sev lingering in one of the book stacks, glaring at her in betrayal. Anger and sadness pierced through her simultaneously. It wasn't her fault that they weren't friends anymore. Though it was almost as unappealing as another fight with Severus, she leaned closer to Potter to ask him a question about their Transfiguration homework. When she looked up again, Sev was gone.

"Well," She jumped up some time later. "I've got to get going."

"Why?" Alice asked. "Got a date with the Hufflepuff."

"Not tonight. Hugh and I are going out."

"Hugh?" Potter put in. "The one in Ravenclaw with the big ears?"

Lily rolled her eyes. "There's nothing wrong with his ears, Potter."

"If you say so. Does he listen really well, I wonder?"

"Better than you, I'd guess."

"Maybe if you went out with me, you could find out."

Lily laughed without responding, which she'd learned to do when Potter asked her out.

* * *

James would never admit it to anyone except maybe the marauders, but he watched Lily much more closely since that night at the astronomy tower. He followed her with his eyes, when possible and with the Marauders map any other time he could. Sure, it felt like stalking once in a while, but he'd noticed her face in the few weeks after she'd fought with Severus. She'd temporarily lost her fire, that spark of wit and humor that she always held, and that scared him. So he watched her. He saw her laughing with his friends, and he saw her look back into the library, her face going slack, and an emotion that looked very much to James like grief flashed in his eyes. He looked sharply at Sirius, who mouthed "Snape" to him. And then, when Lily surprisingly, defiantly, leaned closer to him to ask him a nonsense question that she already knew the answer to, he understood how hurt she was with perfect clarity. He only wished he could be the one to help her.

* * *

Lily would never admit it to anyone, but life at Hogwarts seemed to be getting harder and harder ever since she'd fought with Severus. Sure, there were still great days. Days where the sun would shine, and she'd ace an exam, and nothing in her world that she didn't expect would go wrong. But then, there were days when she'd find a note in her book that said "Careful, Mudblood", as if she knew what she was supposed to watch out for. Or, she'd hear the word hissed at her in the hallway, or a simple tripping charm would cause her to fall and lose all of her books in the process. Once, she was on rounds with Remus when the two of them came across a group of Slytherins including Snape, Lestrange, Mulciber, and Avery, all led by Malfoy, as per usual.

"You shouldn't be in the hallway," Remus uttered in a bored voice that Lily was sure he'd perfected just for these people. "Ten points from Slytherin. Each." Remus held an arm behind his back, signaling for Lily to stay behind him. She detested the fact that she agreed with him: it was no use putting herself in danger right away. She knew she'd be the primary target if she advanced.

"You can't take points away from us," Avery sneered. "You're not in our house, and you're definitely not the heads."

"That's true," Remus said, "But Slughorn seems to have a special affinity for Evans here, and he'd most likely agree with her about anything, as long as she helped him with the younger year's potion preparation. In any case, you've all earned yourself one detention."

"Surely you should know better, Malfoy. The three of us are all prefects here," Lily stepped out of the shadows and raised an eyebrow at him, her heart beating so loudly in her ears that she was afraid Malfoy might just call her on her bravado.

"So nice of you to join us, Mudblood. And I'm glad you brought a friend with a similar...blood issue with you..." Lily snapped her head to look at Remus in confusion, who had lost his apathetic expression and was now wearing a mask of pure fury. Snape, however, looked entirely too smug for her liking.

"I'm not exactly sure what you're playing at, Malfoy, but you know Dumbledore won't stand for prefects bullying other students."

"Can't handle it, _Mudblood_?"

"On the contrary. I just think it wouldn't be very wise of us to hex the lot of you, so I'm offering you another way out. Now, Remus and I are going to continue on with our rounds, and if we see you out after curfew again, we'll find another way to deal with you."

"Oh, scary, mudblood," Mulciber spat. Remus fairly trembled with anger beside her, but Lily rolled her eyes.

"Can it, Mulciber," She said. "You've all got two detentions now. I'll tell Slughorn in the morning." She ignored the myriad of glares and sneers directed at her and took hold of Remus's arm. "Let's go, Remus," She murmured. She walked away with Remus in tow stiffly, only sighing in relief when she was sure they were too far away to hear. When she finally felt like her voice was strong enough to speak, she stopped Remus, who'd also cooled down. "Don't tell any other students about this, yeah?" She hated that people knew she was picked on. She hated the fact that Severus was with them. She almost hated that she hadn't been brave enough to shoot a few hexes their way.

"Yeah," Remus agreed. Lily smiled slightly at him and continued forward. "Lily," he called after her, "You were great back there, you know. Never losing your cool. Sadly, I can't say the same thing for me."

Lily held back a short laugh, but a small smile slipped through. "You must be great at Legilimency. I was just thinking that I wish I'd hexed them all into oblivion."

"Nah. You don't. That'd be a messy clean up. Believe me; I have practice cleaning up after hexes."

"I suppose you do," Lily couldn't help the laugh that slipped out of her this time. It was the relief vibrating through her, and she laughed harder when Remus gave his own shaky laugh. They were still howling, though neither really knew why, when they stepped through the portrait hole into the Gryffindor tower.

* * *

The marauders were all sick of James. They'd been hearing about Evans for years in one way or another, but recently it'd become ridiculous. Ever since Lily Evans could stand to be in the same room with James Potter, his head had practically exploded. He'd lie on his bed and proclaim that the next day would be the day that Lily would see him-truly see him. And Sirius would tell him that that was his problem. That Lily already saw him too much to date him. Peter always grunted in agreement. And he would come back from Quidditch practice in a haze, saying that he spotted a dot of dark red hair as they did flying exercises over Hogwarts. It was worse with Remus, though. Being a prefect gave him insider Evans information, and it was everything he could do to fend James off.

"Seriously, Prongs," Remus said. It was almost midnight, and James was mooning over Lily, once again. Mooning! That was supposed to be his job! "You've got to get over this. She may not hate you like she did, but she still won't date you. Ever, I'd say."

"That's where you're wrong, Moony. Patience is the answer. Patience and persistence."

"I think that she doesn't like the persistent thing," He replied, turning over, hoping James would let him fall asleep this time.

He didn't. "What?" James said. In a second he was off of his bed and onto Remus's. "Did she say something? What did she say?"

"Oi!" Remus protested. "Get off the bed."

James sat back from where he'd been hovering over Remus, but he stayed seated on the mattress. "Tell me!"

"She didn't say anything, Prongs. I just noticed that she doesn't really like it when you ask her out."

"She doesn't yell at me for it anymore..."

"...Because she doesn't want you to know how much you bother her."

"Well what do you suggest I do?" James asked after a moment of reflection.

"Keep at it, mate," Sirius broke in. "You know the first step to sexual tension is actual tension. The angry kisses always come first." He giggled slightly to himself, knowing James would take the bait. James always took the bait.

"Or you could not..." Remus put in, trying to be the voice of reason.

"Annoying her is what I do best," James concluded, finally before letting them all have their sleep. Remus sighed hopelessly. At least he hadn't told them about what had happened during rounds a while back. If he had, James would go all mamma bear on Lily, and she might never speak to any one of them again.

* * *

**_Author's Note_**: Hey, all. Thanks for the patience! I had a really incredibly shitty few weeks at school, but now I'm on Thanksgiving break, so I was able to get this chapter up (and I'll hopefully be able to write a chapter to post before finals week)

**iceandfire105**: Thanks so much! (you make me giggle and blush; honestly, it's a bit embarrassing)

Anyway, hope you like this chapter! Reviews are like dark chocolate to my soul.


	6. Letters

**Disclaimer**: I'm not J.K...whatever

**Warning: Character deaths in this chapter, it's not terribly graphic, but I wanted to put a warning just in case.**

* * *

"I think we should finish these Transfiguration papers today," Lily said firmly. She was in the library with Potter, yet again, and he was being somewhat uncooperative. "Remus and I've got to decorate the great hall later, and I want this to be done well before exams."

"I think we should quit. We've been at this for forever," James whined. "Why don't we sneak down to Hogsmeade for a butterbeer."

"I think that that's a terrible idea. Look, we only need four more inches."

"That's practically a kilometer." James looked at her with large, pleading eyes, which seemed even more magnified by his glasses.

"Oh stop it," Lily huffed, turning back to her parchment and attempting to write a few more lines. "I'm going to finish this essay today. You can either help me or you can sod off."

"And then we can go for a butterbeer?" He raised his eyebrows suggestively.

"Potter!" Lily snapped, releasing about three hours of pent up frustration. "Could you, for _one _second, stop and think of _why_ I would ever say yes to you? Have I ever given you _any_ indication that I want to go out with you? We're barely even civil to each other!" Lily fumed at him as her face flushed and she pointed a finger at his chest, continuing her rant. His shocked eyes stared back at her, and she felt a slight bit of guilt at her temper rising up, but she shoved it back down to go on. "And you always seem to think you know me...that you know exactly what I'd like. Do you want to know what I'd like? I'd like some peace for once, and I'd like not to have to look over my shoulder. I swear I'm either avoiding another awkward situation with you or the wanna-be-death-eater Slytherins all the time these days." James opened his mouth, looking hurt and appalled. She waved her hands in dismissal. "Oh, I know. You're nothing like them. I'm aware. We've been through that. But you make me uncomfortable too when you come on to me. Just in a different way than they do. So I'd really appreciate it if we could study and communicate just once without there being some sort of proposition every five minutes."

There was a heavy pause, in which Lily stopped to catch her breath and try to get a handle on the angry flush that graced her cheeks. She, now regretting the way she'd exploded was about to apologize—for the tone, not the words—when she'd thought of something different that she might just have to bring up. She inhaled to begin another tirade when James spoke before she could utter anything. "Okay," he said quietly.

"And I..." Lily started a continuation of her scolding, but stopped short when what he said finally registered with her. "You what?"

"I said okay. Fine. I'm sorry that I've made you so uncomfortable before by pulling pranks and asking you out. So now I'm done. With the whole 'ask Lily Evans out' plan, not pulling pranks." He raised his eyebrows at her and ruffled his hair with his hands in a textbook example of arrogant James Potter, but his eyes were completely serious.

Lily stared at him, attempting to prove his sincerity by reading his eyes. "You promise?"

"Cross my heart, and pray I get speared by a blast ended skrewt, Evans."

Lily narrowed her eyes. "Okay. Fine. Good. Should we keep going then?"

"Well, seeing as we've wasted a good half an hour of prime study time, I'd say that would be a good idea, Evans."

"Oh, sod off, Potter," Lily retorted, but she smiled. If Potter didn't try to get her to date him all the time, she might actually start to be able to stand him.

* * *

As pre-break exams got closer and closer, Lily became even more of a shut in. James, especially, only ever saw her when they studied together, which he looked forward to much more than he should. Sirius had taken to throwing a jelly legs jinx at him every time he started on the subject in fact. "Today, Evans and I studied Charms, and she had this beautifully haughty look on her face," He'd start, and immediately collapse, feeling like his bones had turned into some sort of spazzing plasma. "Every time, Padfoot!" He shouted as he fell onto the floor, but his friend just shrugged without speaking. James could read the look that his friend gave him though. He'd been warned. The next jinx probably wouldn't be so friendly. Even Remus wouldn't listen to him, even though he saw Lily much more than the others did. So, eventually, he held most of his Lily Evans facts in, only letting one or two slip when he'd confiscated Sirius's wand.

* * *

Remus had waited for at least half an hour before finally deciding to do rounds by himself. He knew that Lily would never be late for rounds unless it was important, and he trusted her. He was on the third floor when he heard crying coming from a broom closet. Usually, he left broom closet occupants to Lily, but obviously she wasn't there to help him out, so he quietly opened the door...only to find his missing partner, kneeling on the ground over what looked to be a muggle letter, not the parchment that he was used to.

"Lily!" He'd exclaimed in shock, before realizing that shouting was most likely not the best approach. He'd just never seen her cry before. Honestly, Remus had never actually seen her show much emotion, other than her rage oriented towards James. He'd always assumed, slightly stereotypically, that it had been a redhead thing.

She looked up sharply, and became even redder when she saw him. "Remus!" She squeaked, drying as many tears as she could. "Oh my god, I forgot rounds. I'm so sorry. I'll just..."

Remus knew she must be incredibly flustered, obviously he could see it, but she only used muggle phrases when she was upset. "No, it's fine. I'll continue on my own. I'm almost done anyway...only one more floor to do..."

She sighed and sat back on her heels. "Thanks, Remus. I owe you one." She didn't look up at him, but some of the tension drained out of her shoulders. He was about to walk out the open door, but turned around at the last minute.

"Do you want to talk about it?" He didn't move closer, but he closed the door behind him, allowing the small closet to be lit by a floating candle that he assumed she'd charmed.

Lily sniffed, but didn't reply. She rearranged herself so she was sitting cross legged on the ground, the letter still unfolded in front of her. Remus stood silently, awkwardly, waiting for her to throw him out when she finally croaked out, "My sister's engaged."

"Oh," Remus said, surprised. For one thing, he'd never even known that Lily had siblings. Not that they talked about their personal lives all that much, he'd never reveal his secrets to her, after all. And another, he didn't have siblings, but he'd always assumed that being engaged was a good thing.

Lily caught his eye and saw his confused expression. "You didn't know I had a sister," She stated. He nodded, and she sighed. "It's complicated. We were close, and then I found out I had magic, left for Hogwarts, and became a freak." She cleared her throat. "And as for being engaged, it's not a good thing," Lily said angrily. "Because she's engaged to a filthy whale of a man, _Vernon Dursley_. He hates me, because I'm not a doormat, like Petunia, though I hate to call her that. He stomps his feet all over her and he's annoyed that he can't do the same thing to me, her 'bothersome' little sister."

"Oh."

"He doesn't know about me...about me being a witch. Still thinks I go to a posh boarding school. Hates me for that, too, I'd assume. Thinks a woman's place is in the kitchen and the delivery room of a hospital. Anyway, now that she's engaged, she's written me to give me a list of things I need to do. Namely 'keep my freaky funny business to myself, as it has no place in her life', and 'never ever speak to Vernon about anything having to do with my freak school'. And those are the most mild."

"I'm sorry, Lily. I didn't know."

"How could you? Alice and Marlene don't even know most of this. I don't really like talking about my family...besides, I don't want to bother anyone with the dramatics of something they couldn't do anything about. I assume you'd know something about that," Lily's eyes seemed to pierce through him, and he felt a sharp sliver of fear slide down his spine. _She knew_, he thought, but then, before he could come up with a way to defend herself, she continued. "You know, with your mother being sick and all."

"Right. Yeah, that." He muttered intelligently. _That_. The reason he gave everyone for disappearing for a few days every month. Thank Merlin he hadn't said anything and given himself away.

"Well, Petunia doesn't want me to have anything to do with her wedding. She's forbidden me to help at all, actually. She says here that if I insert myself with any of the planning, she'll snap my wand," Lily waved the letter around, defeated. "I shouldn't be crying anyway. That's useless. And besides, it's for the best, I suppose. If I'm not helping, I don't have to be stuck into a hideous pink dress," Lily shuddered lightly. "Imagine me in pink!" She laughed hollowly and stood up slowly, dusting herself off. "Now," She said, looking at him with a small smile, even though her eyes retained some sadness. "We've still got a floor to patrol, yes?" Remus knew the conversation was over, and followed her out of the small closet.

* * *

Lily didn't go to her last weekend at Hogsmeade before break. She stayed home to study instead of going out. Not that she didn't have someone to go with, of course. Hugh had asked her, as had Amos Diggory, a seventh year Hufflepuff, which had been a surprise for just about everyone who heard. But Alice and Marlene both had dates, and Lily didn't really feel like putting on a smile for a boy that day, so she'd begged off and went to the library to study more for her exams. She was in the library for hours, partly looking over her Potions notes, partially staring off into nothing and trying not to think about anything in particular, especially her life in the muggle world right now. She was neglecting her studies once more when James Potter plopped down a drink in front of her. She jumped high in her seat and let out a loud squeak, which caused an annoyed 'shush!' to come from Madame Pince. Lily rolled her eyes and looked at the boy who'd reclined in the chair across from her. "Why aren't you at Hogsmeade?" She wondered, slightly annoyed. She didn't want company after all.

"Remus told me that you weren't coming, and I figured you shouldn't have to go without butterbeer, especially since it's the last trip before break," He gave her a big grin, and she smiled back slightly.

"Thanks, Potter. That's decent of you."

"That's me. James "Decent" Potter. Anyway, I also noticed you've seemed a little down lately and I thought I might try to cheer you up."

"I'm fine," Lily insisted. "I don't need cheering."

"See, I knew you'd say that, but I'm very observant, and I know that you've been by yourself way too much for the past couple of weeks, and you only do that when you're bothered by something. So, what gives?"

"It's not really any of your business," Lily retorted taking a sip of her butterbeer and attempting to look apathetic. She hated how Potter could see through her excuses. Was nothing sacred?

"True," He nodded, keeping his eyes studiously on his own drink, drawing senseless designs on the side with his long fingers. "But I know that if something is bothering a person, the worst thing you can do is keep it to yourself."

"Ah, but I've already told Remus. So it's not exactly to myself."

"He didn't tell me," James said, somewhat surprised.

"He's a good friend. He doesn't give away his friend's secrets," Lily raised her eyebrows at James.

"That he is," James said, distracted. A slightly awkward pause hung in the air before James broke through the silence again. "Have I ever told you how Remus and I became friends?" Lily shook her head. "Sirius and I, as you may have guessed, became fast friends from the moment we met on the Express. I saw this scrawny 11 year old boy with dark hair and a perpetually annoyed look on his face, and I thought 'He's going to be my best friend.' And he was. Plus, once I talked to him for more than a few seconds, I realized that he hated Slytherins about as much as I did..." Lily rolled her eyes at him, but she didn't interrupt. "Well, we were on the train and Sirius was provoking Bellatrix, who was in second year, obviously, and already well on her way to becoming as nasty as she is these days, and she was about to send a hex our way when Remus stunned her from behind." James shook his head and laughed, looking nostalgic. "I'll always remember the look on Bellatrix's face as she fell down and Remus—who was still really tiny at that time, I mean, you would have thought he was 8, not 11—was standing behind her, looking as nonchalant as ever, except that his eyes were as big as saucers. Anyway, Sirius took one look at Remus and declared extremely loudly, as he is still wont to do, that together, the three of us were going to be unstoppable. And Remus, Merlin, Remus just looked at Sirius and laughed, and he stepped right over Bellatrix and walked right past us. He thought we were right gits, which of course, Sirius was. I'll admit to nothing." James stopped his monologue to look at Lily who was looking at him with her eyebrows raised. "Right. Off topic. Well, anyway, Sirius and I knew that Remus was someone who we wanted to have on our side, but it took some convincing for Remus to see that we weren't actually as big of pricks as he originally thought we were. It took him weeks of living with us to finally just accept that being friends was inevitable. But even when he didn't like us much, he never said a thing about what happened with Bellatrix on the train, even though it could have gotten Sirius and me in trouble."

Lily looked at him without speaking for a while before breaking her gaze away and gulping down more butterbeer. She looked at her discarded Potions notes for a second before resolutely turning away and making up her mind. "My sister wrote me," she said quietly. She didn't glance up at James, but she felt him tense in front of her, knowing that he was shocked that she was saying anything about herself. "She's a muggle, with me being the only witch in the family, and we've not been close since I found out I had magic." She looked up to see James nodding along, not exactly eagerly, but definitely intently. "Well, she wrote me to tell me that she was engaged, and she didn't want me to have anything to do with the wedding," Now, when Lily spoke about it, her voice wasn't sad, necessarily, just deeply disappointed and perhaps a bit bitter. Anything, though, was better than crying, she thought. "She said that she'd not invite me at all if it weren't for our parents. So, here I am, and I've given up all hope of ever having a big sister to do...well, big sister things with. It's just taking me a while to grasp it, I guess." Lily shrugged and looked down at her glass of butterbeer again, not wanting to look at Potter after she'd just shared something personal.

"Merlin, Lily," James said. "That's awful."

"That's Petunia."

"She's got no right!" James seemed enraged on Lily's behalf, which made her feel like warming up to him just that much more.

"It's her wedding, isn't it?" Lily muttered with a wry smile. "It's not all bad, I suppose. Helping with a wedding would just have put more unwanted stress onto me. It's not really that I'm not helping, it's that she doesn't _want_ me to."

"I can't even imagine," James murmured.

"Then you're lucky," Lily said. "Just remember that." Lily met his eyes with a piercing stare, and he nodded at her, dumbfounded. "Anyway, Potter, I can't help but remark that this may be the longest we've ever been in the same room without screaming at each other."

"You may be right, Evans," Potter replied, giving her a smirk. "Although, I believe there was one time that you fell asleep on the common room couch...that was a good two hours with no arguments!"

"You lie, Potter. I was probably arguing with you in my mind."

"You dream about me, Evans?"

"Oh, sod off, Potter. You know that's not what I meant." Lily smacked him on the shoulder but smiled nonetheless. Potter grinned back at her and changed the subject to an anecdote about Remus pranking Sirius, which had Lily in stitches in no time. Later, Lily looked back at that afternoon almost in awe. For one thing, she never believed that Potter could have possibly cheered her up. And for another, she was just beginning to realize that maybe Marlene and Alice were actually right. There seemed to be something inherently decent about Potter, even if it was hidden under layers of ego.

* * *

Winter break had finally come, and it seemed that everyone but Lily was happy. Not that she didn't love going home, except that Petunia was engaged, and she knew that her mother was wrapped up in wedding plans, and her father was taking on overtime at work to pay for the lavish wedding that Petunia had dreamed of. And not one of them seemed to have time for the black sheep. All of this made Lily feel especially angsty, which she hated. She knew her parents loved her. They'd tried their best to support her when she'd found out she was a witch, but there are certain things that muggles never seem to get about the wizard world, and it'd driven a rift between them. Most days, she sat by herself in her room, reading up on whatever she could for school and practicing whatever magic she could get away with. If nothing else, she always resorted to baiting Petunia.

The whole Evans family, plus Vernon Dursley, were sitting around the table for Christmas dinner when Lily had finally had enough of Dursley's boasting and altogether lack of decency. "Daddy," Lily said, "This roast is absolutely _magical_." Both of her parents rolled their eyes at their youngest daughter while Petunia's eyes bugged.

Her father cleared his throat. "Thanks, Lily. I tried this new rub. It worked like a _charm_, don't you think?"

Lily's eyebrows flew up her forehead as she grinned and tried her hardest to hold back hysterics. This is why she loved her father. She saw his eyebrows quirk in a subtle flinch, and saw her mother glaring at him from his side, and her smile grew. "Quite good," Vernon muttered. "Though I think it could use a little something more...not quite like the roasts that they serve at bank functions."

If Lily rolled her eyes any more this dinner, she was afraid that they might roll out of her head. She wondered, briefly if Vernon could go a few sentences without mentioning the bank. "That's right, Vernon! I forgot you worked at the bank. That's wizard!"

"Lily!" Petunia squealed, causing Vernon to jump, his fat rolls jiggling and his double chins warbling disgustingly. Her sister cleared her throat. "Could I speak to you for a moment please?"

"Of course, Tuney. Don't worry folks, we'll be back in a spell." Lily got up reluctantly and followed her sister into the kitchen from the dining room. She'd barely crossed the threshold when her sister whipped around, a menacing frown on her face.

"If you do not quit it with that funny business, I will..."

Lily raised her eyebrows and smiled at her sister. "What? Make me a bridesmaid in your wedding? Force me to wear a hideous dress that doesn't go with my complexion?"

"...I'll tell mum that I don't want you there."

"And what will she say to that, Tuney?" Lily sneered as she used her childhood nickname for her sister. "She's already disappointed about how far apart we've grown. Why don't you break her heart some more while you're at it?" Lily fought to keep her voice at a stage whisper, but her temper was rising.

Petunia sighed angrily, but bit back a retort. "Could you just behave _yourself_ for once? Everything is always better when you're not here."

"Wow, Tuney. Love you too, sis."

"Whatever. They're probably wondering what we're up to. Let's go." She ran her fingers through her hair quickly and strutted out of the room, leaving Lily to stand in the kitchen a few more moments to get a hold of her temper before walking out as well. She caught her parents' eyes and received a reprimanding look from her mum and a playful smile from her dad, which she returned hesitantly.

"So, Lily," Her mother spoke after she and Petunia had settled at the table again. "How are classes going this year?"

"Alright, mum. I'm top of the class in Po—chemistry," Lily cut her eyes towards Vernon, who, thankfully wasn't paying attention to her at all, or if he was, couldn't care less about her almost slip-up. Even after all this time, she wasn't used to having to hide everything about herself from muggles. "And all of my other classes are going well, I s'ppose."

"Mother," Petunia spoke up over her sister. "Have we heard back about the quartet?"

"I contacted their manager this morning, sweetheart. They said they have an opening for July 23. But they won't take song requests until three months before the wedding."

"Well I hope that's enough time to perform perfectly," Petunia huffed. Lily held in a frustrated groan and tuned out her mother, sister, and Vernon as the conversation turned to the wedding, picking at her food. Sometimes, Lily was positive that Petunia did this just to upset her. Her sister had taken over the conversation from the moment Lily had gotten off the train at King's Cross, and now that her parents had actually tried to ask about her life, she'd imposed again. Part of Lily knew she was being immature as she stewed in anger during dinner, but she couldn't really bring herself to care at the moment. She stood up abruptly, causing everyone to look over at her, startled. "I'd like to be excused, please."

"Of course, dear," Her mother had said, but Lily didn't even wait for her to stop talking before she ran up the stairs of her house into her room. She paced for a bit, trying to release the frustrations that Petunia caused her, but ended up flopping down on the bed. Where she stayed for about two seconds. She'd been lounging about all of winter break, and she was sick of it. She got up and flipped through her cassette tapes until she found the one she was looking for, and quickly played it. Within seconds happy tunes began blaring out of the speakers, and she was able to lie back down on her bed and sing along. "_Do you believe in magic in a young girl's heart/ how the music can free her whenever it starts/ and it's magic if the music is groovy..."_

Lily could hear Petunia's frustrated grumble from downstairs and smiled to herself.

The next day, Lily awoke to tapping at her window. She let in three owls with letters attached to their feet, all with her name in different writing. The letters from Alice and Marlene held the usual: brief explanations about how they were doing, how much they missed her, and what they got for Christmas. Alice was traveling in France with her parents, who were some sort of delegates with the Ministry in England and had business with the French Ministeré. Lily rolled her eyes as she read how Alice loved Paris, but felt that the 'true atmosphere of the city was lost on her without Frank Longbottom there to share it with her'. Marlene, on the other hand, wrote detailed explanations of the bars she'd frequented while visiting family friends in Ireland. If nothing else, Lily thought, she could live vicariously through her friends. She wrote out short replies to both girls, trying to leave out most of her whining about Petunia, before turning to open the last letter. This owl, a tawny, regal horned owl, flew off right away without waiting for a reply. Lily looked at the letter in her hands, realizing that she could tentatively identify the sender by the rushed and semi-illegible scrawl.

"Evans," It read, "Just wanted to check in. I heard ol' Voldemort was blowing up some muggle train stations last week. Not that I know where you live or anything, but seems to me that no one in the muggle world is safe at the mome. Be careful. " She didn't exactly know what to make of Potter these days. They'd drifted into a careful acquaintance, as if they knew that one wrong step in either direction would set either one of them off. But no matter how she felt about him, she did appreciate the fact that he seemed to worry about these attacks on muggles. She knew many pureblooded wizards weren't as compassionate.

"Mom," Lily asked fretfully over dinner. She wanted to talk to her parents about Potter's letter before she headed back to school, and she didn't have very long to do so. "Those train stations that were bombed over by Parks and Sixth, did you know anyone who was hurt or killed?"

Her mother nodded solemnly. "I believe one of your father's coworkers was coming home from work when the explosions occurred. Thank god he was working overtime that day." She shuddered, and Lily held back a wince, feeling her face drain of blood. "It's quite tragic, isn't it?" She asked.

"It is," Lily stuttered. "But, Mom, it's just..." Petunia came in the room then, glaring at Lily and asking her mother if the caterers had contacted her recently about some sort of special food. She groaned. Her father took the train sometimes, more frequently now that they were all trying to save money. She needed to talk to her family, and she needed to do it soon.

Soon didn't exactly happen, though. The two weeks of break flew by, with all the wedding planning and Lily's room-hiding. She tried to talk to Petunia once or twice, but was always met with cold apathy. It wasn't until her parents were dropping Lily back off at the platform that she turned to them determinedly. "Mum. Dad," She cleared her throat. "Before I go, I need to tell you something." She looked at her watch, noticing that she only had a few minutes until the express left and she was stuck there.

"There's a man...he's been terrorizing the wizard world. He thinks he's God or something. He's the one who's been bombing the train stations. He..." she became distracted when she heard clattering coming from one of the platforms below them. Turning her face away from her parents, she saw people in black robes in the distance and the brightly colored lights flashing beneath her and in front of her. Her heart stopped when she saw green, and she felt cold terror slice through her body. "No, no, no. Not here."

"What's wrong, sweetie?" Her mom looked at her, a wrinkle forming between her eyebrows. She obviously didn't notice what was going on behind them. She probably just thought the noises were another train. She hadn't seen the menacing figures coming towards her.

"We have to leave, we have to run." Lily turned towards the brick wall behind her and gripped her parents' hands. "Run with me. Don't stop!" She yelled, sheer panic dripping in her voice. They protested, but Lily dragged them behind her, adrenaline giving her extra strength. She snuck a look behind her and saw a death eater—that's what they called themselves—coming towards them, wand raised. There were only a few steps to go. Lily slid through the wall, still dragging her parents behind her, and then she was jerked backwards. Pain slashed at her hands and she involuntarily opened them, falling to the floor of Platform 9 ¾ , the hard concrete scraping and banging her knees. Oblivious to the pain, she turned around and ran back at the wall, slamming into it repeatedly. It couldn't be closed. She had minutes left. That should have been long enough. She should have been fast enough. The death eaters must have charmed it closed when they saw her running for it. She beat the wall with her fists, not even noticing when they became raw and bloody. "No," she whispered over and over again. She couldn't believe it had happened. Was happening. "Help please," She pleaded quietly. "Help!" Shouting now. "My god, those are my parents, help!" Her voice, reaching almost inhuman decibels, finally drew a crowd of people, but she was too frantic to tell them what had happened. She kept pounding at the wall. She took her wand out of her boot where she'd stashed it that morning and uttered a spell that was supposed to crush rocks. She uttered a spell that was supposed to transform object into butterflies. She screamed a spell that was made to cause explosions, uncaring that she would have been close enough to be hurt. She tried anything that could come to her mind, but she knew it wouldn't work. They had planned for this. She collapsed, shrinking inside of herself. She didn't realize when a boy broke through the crowd, confused at first, and then horrified. She was on the verge of unconsciousness when that boy picked her up, crooning her name over and over again and whispering promises in her ear that she couldn't comprehend. And as she turned into his chest, she simply let it go and let sleep take her, if only for a short time.

* * *

Lily sat up in bed. "I have to help them!" She shouted with her first gasping breath. Before she knew it, she was out of bed and running towards...she didn't know. Last thing she knew, actually, she was in a train station. In London. Not in the infirmary at Hogwarts. She was breathing heavily, and she was disoriented, and all she wanted to do was leave. So she did. She snuck out of the infirmary and down to the fourth level, where she knew of exactly two abandoned classrooms. It was a wonder no one saw her on her way there, but she managed it unnoticed. Once there, she curled up under the professor's desk, ignoring the spider webs that clung there. She balled up her hands to her chest, which she had just realized were bandaged and possibly still bleeding. She spared a short thought to wonder how she'd write now, but then she remembered how her hands had gotten to be that way, and nothing seemed to matter anymore. She didn't have any hope that her parents were still alive. Voldemort's lackeys had seen them with her, and they had ways of knowing if someone was a pureblood or not, or so they said. Besides, her parents were so obviously muggle that she was sure they never had a chance. She just wasn't sure how to process it, the knowledge that her parents were there, hugging her, holding her hands, and then gone in an instant. She didn't want to process it, but all she could think about was their confused and terrified faces when they'd seen how spooked she was. She only hoped that they didn't suffer. She knew the killing curse was one of the more kind deaths that those monsters gave people.

She wasn't sure how long she'd been under that desk, but eventually she heard a voice behind her. "Alright, Evans?" Someone said. _Potter_, she thought acidly. _Just like him to show up when I'm at my complete worst._ She didn't answer. "Lily, I know you're in here. The entire school's in a riot. Dumbledore's almost fired a nurse for letting you sneak out." Lily snorted. It was a small, soft sound, but Potter heard it anyway and moved towards it. She felt more than saw him looming over her and huddle more deeply under the desk. "Hey," He said.

She looked up almost involuntarily and did a double take. He looked the same as ever, messy hair, glasses, and a smile, but the smile was small and sad, not the crooked smirk that she was used to. "Hi," Lily said, her voice broken and thick with emotions and scratchy from screaming.

"You know, Evans, you'll get through this. It'll get better."

"I didn't lose my dog, Potter, I lost my family!"

"Ya, I know. And that sucks. But you can't give up. And you can't sit around in dusty, empty classrooms to hide from the world."

"You don't know anything about what I'm going through! You still have a family!"

He sat down on the floor across from her and stared her in the eyes. Not angry, but intense. "I do. For now. But my parents have been called out to help with the resistance. Do you know what I was doing all Christmas break? Practicing hexes and attack spells with my father. Do you know what I saw when my father tried to take me to a Quidditch game? The green lights flashing and people falling down, the ground shaking with stampeding people. It was like a goddamn earthquake," he closed his eyes and shook his head. Lily copied his gesture, reliving the awful moments before she ran through the wall to platform 9 ¾ alone. She knew what he was talking about: the lights, the shaking, the screaming. She wasn't sure she'd ever be able to get those images off of her mind. "So, no, I don't know what you're going through, but I fear it every single day."

Lily had to admit that she was shocked. She wasn't sure Potter could ever hold a serious conversation, but here he was. "What do I do?" She whispered. It wasn't really meant to be answered, or heard, but he answered it anyway.

"Be brave. Fight back," he said, his eyes going distant. She wasn't sure if he was still talking to her or if he was trying to convince himself, but she thought that in this circumstance, he might have been right. That maybe that's the only thing that she could do.

* * *

Lily didn't ask any of her friends to come to the funeral with her. She knew they would have come to support her, but she didn't want to upset Petunia. And, Lily thought in some twisted manner, that having a completely muggle funeral was even more important because of her parents' magical deaths. The Knight bus took her to Cokeworth in the early morning, exactly a week after her parents had been murdered. Lily walked into the house that she'd shared with her parents and stopped in the doorway. Her home had always felt warm and welcoming, but she felt her parent's absence like a chill. The small house had brought cheer with it, even when she'd felt separated from her family, now the blue and grey tones and shadows she saw over everything tinted her happy memories to melancholy ones. She imagined that perhaps this is what the presence of a dementor felt like. She resisted the urge to punch something, staring down at her still-scabby hands blankly instead.

The funeral was worse than she thought it'd be. Her entire family showed up, as they should. Her mother was an only child, but her father had three siblings, who escorted her feeble grandparents gently into the cemetery, where her parent's coffins lay above the freshly dug graves. Coworkers and a few family friends made appearances as well, giving the sisters their condolences. Petunia was stoic, as always, but Lily saw a single tear track down her face as she held on tightly to Vernon, who looked more like he had indigestion than he looked sad. Lily refused to cry. She'd been doing too much of that lately. Besides, her parents had always called her strong. Wasn't it her job, then, to be strong one last time?

Lily spoke at the funeral. "My father told me once that if, God forbid, I ever had to speak at his funeral, he didn't want me to wax poetic about his death." The paper she held in her gloved hands seemed to crinkle loudly in the silence as she fought to keep her voice strong and devoid of emotion. "Death is ugly, and we aren't here to remember that. We're here to remember the beautiful, messy, and utterly too short lives of my parents. An inventor once wrote, 'We must not demean life by standing in awe of Death'." Lily took a deep breath, forcing herself to think of runes instead of the two black boxes that sat in front of her. "Samuel and Elise Evans were the best parents I could have hoped for. They were so full of life, that they inspired everyone around them. My parents loved my sister and me with every shred of their being. They loved every person they welcomed into our home as their own. I only hope that if I can take nothing from how they lived their lives, it's how they loved." She closed her eyes for just a moment before going to stand next to Petunia, who cowered even closer to Vernon.

The will was read right after the funeral, because everyone knew Lily had to go back to her 'posh boarding school'. Lily's first thought was to drop out of Hogwarts to help Petunia before realizing that that was stupid. Petunia had Vernon to take care of her now. Lily had no one. It was no surprise that the house was given to Petunia. Lily had expected it, even approached her father a few years ago, when she'd gone through her morbid phase. Lily, instead, had gotten a small amount of money and a wrapped present that her family had been waiting to send for her upcoming birthday. She almost laughed at the sight of the cheery paper demanding that she 'PARTY!', as if she could have a happy birthday anytime soon. Anytime ever from now on, really. After the lawyer had left, Lily turned to Petunia, tears finally filling her eyes, though she still forbade them to fall. She held her arms out to her sister and took a step forward. "Tun-"

"It's your fault," Petunia said coldly, quietly. "This is all your fault."

Lily shook her head automatically while she comprehended what her sister had just said. The words swirled through her mind like an icy wind, emptying it of every other thought. As her outstretched hands fell to her sides, she realized that those were the exact words she'd not allowed herself to think since what had happened at Kings Cross. Whatever shortcomings Petunia had, she wasn't a liar. She hadn't even told Petunia the whole story, but somehow, she knew. Lily was the reason they'd been at King's Cross. Lily hadn't been fast enough, or strong enough or clever enough to save her parents. Lily was the magical one, and she wasn't magic enough to save her parents. It was her fault.

* * *

James felt like he was dying under the cloak. He knew Lily would hate him if she ever found out that he'd gone to her parents' funeral, but he couldn't help it. He had to make sure that she would be okay. He saw her eyes, tired and sad, but still strong as she stood through the ceremony and the reading of the will. He thought that maybe she was the strongest person he'd ever known. He saw that strength drain out of her when her sister turned on her. He saw the pain take over her expression as her body seemed to freeze into ice. Where once, she looked so warm and welcoming, she now looked empty, cold, and hollow. "Goodbye, Petunia," He heard her whisper. He saw her walk away, signal for the night bus and leave calmly, but he could tell that she was broken. He'd studied her enough to detect her feelings through her eyes. Now, he could see the emptiness in those glassy green eyes.

* * *

Lily's life went on. She went out with Hugh, or Avery from Gryffindor (not that bastard from Slytherin), or that boy from Hufflepuff. She spent time with Alice and Frank or Remus, or studied in the library, sometimes alone, sometimes not. She didn't tell anyone about her dreams. About the streaks of green light that hit her parents, herself, or her friends. Or the dreams where the death eaters stood over her and laughed while they threw hexes at her, tortured her and several other people. She started using _Silencio_ on herself before she went to bed, so no one would be woken up by her nightmares. She stayed up as late as possible, hoping that when she finally fell asleep, she'd be too exhausted to dream. That rarely worked, but she kept at it for those rare times. She'd been studious before, to the extent where people would have said that she was obsessed, but she became even more so. If she kept herself busy with school, she didn't have as much time to think. Outwardly, the only real difference from before, at least at Hogwarts, was James. Ever since he'd found her in the abandoned classroom, he was nice to her. Which she hated. And he hadn't annoyed her in a long time, which made her feel pitied. She didn't want his pity; it reminded her of what she'd lost.

* * *

James's life changed. He still felt like the easy-going prankster he'd always been, but he felt more serious. The war was coming, and he had to be ready to do his part. In his dreams, he still saw those people falling down, dead. He could still hear screams of those who weren't as lucky. And he still relived watching Lily falling down at platform 9 3/4, defeated, angry, alone. He still saw her standing alone at her parent's funeral when he closed his eyes. He saw how tired she looked these days, and he'd noticed how she'd done her best to make sure that she was never _not _doing anything. He'd decided that maybe Remus had been right, that Lily didn't need pranks and sassy comebacks, that maybe she just needed someone to be there for her. And James would be damned if he wouldn't do his best to be that person.

* * *

Lily held it in until March. They were studying for an exam and he was just being too nice and she couldn't take it anymore. So she flipped feeling all of the anger and angst she'd felt since her parents died being dredged up from where she'd buried it deeply. "What's wrong with you?" She yelled. He looked up at her with wide, confused eyes.

"What?"

"You-you can't just sit there and be all nice and sincere all the time. It's not okay."

"Evans calm down." James said, astonished.

"Don't you dare tell me what to do, Potter," Good. They were getting back to comfortable territory. Fighting was easy with him. And though a little voice in her head told her that just about anything was easy with him, she told herself that the yelling and fighting was much better than the nice. "You told me to move on. But how can I move on when you're treating me differently?"

"What do you want me to do, Lily?" He was shouting now to, and the librarian was glaring at them.

"I don't know! Be normal! Make inappropriate jokes! Try to make me jealous with all the girls who come home. Prank me and my friends to make me mad. Just don't be so-so damned kind all the time!"

Potter stared at her for a long while, and then started laughing, which made her angry, and then happy because he was doing something that made her angry with him again. "You want me to terrorize you again?"

"Yes, god, yes. Just please don't be so nice."

"I can do that," James said, seeming distracted.

"Good," Lily said. She looked down at her book, feeling some sort of relief flood her body, though she tried not to let it show. "Shall we continue?"

James nodded at her. "Just be warned, Evans. Angry yelling is how angry kissing starts." she smacked him for the innuendo and then laughed, because maybe, finally, things were getting back to normal.

* * *

**Author's Note**: This is how I feel to be done with this chapter: . /9b6e84f5cb46d71df2485135d9193cf5/tumblr_mvbh3lfbnU1qhxc3po1_

Thanks for staying with me guys! You are all my heroes. All of you. (If you noticed, this chapter is longer than the other ones because I felt bad for the sadness. I want to write Jily fluff, but it's hard to stay cannon without at least incorporating the war sometime. ) Also you may begin to note how much I love puns...it's a thing, guys. Anyway, review if you please. Reviews are almost as much appreciated as panera bread bowls.

Also: Shout out to Nikki, who is a beautiful human being and betas for me while working full time and studying for finals. Seriously guys, she's a champ.

**iceandfire105**: Bahaha! I know, Sirius is definitely oblivious to life at the moment. Or he's just being an ass. And of course James is an idiot, but we love him. ;) (also not that i support reading fanfiction in class, but I totally do it ALL the time. You are not alone)


	7. Summer Daze

_**Disclaimer:** I'm not JKR, nor do I own these characters._

_**Warning:** (I'm not sure if this is necessary, but I'll add it anyway) mild drug use and somewhat violent behaviors?_

* * *

Lily was sitting in the Gryffindor common room in the middle of the night. Again. It wasn't so uncommon to see her out of bed these days; she was always surprised if she managed to catch more than three or four hours of sleep per night. Marlene and Alice seemed to have a never-leave-Lily-alone rule during daylight hours, so Lily was her own person at night. Of course, she occasionally slipped away from them, in the rush of students, hiding at the astronomy tower or some other random place, but they always managed to find her, so she resulted to leaving at night. She had begun to sneak down to the defense classrooms during the night to practice defense and attack charms. That night, around the first week in May, she'd spouted out every single charm that she knew before going back to her Charms book and looking up more. She used them verbally and non-verbally, until she messed up the charms or mashed two charms together out of exhaustion and a glass cabinet shattered in the classroom, causing cuts to mar her hands and arms. She cleaned up as best she could and trudged back up to the common room, sitting in her usual spot in the arm chair closest to the fire. She was still there, staring blankly into the fire, trying not to think, when the Fat Lady portrait squeaked open. She jerked her head, but there was nothing there, just the door closing on its own. Lily jumped up from her seat, stumbling clumsily from shock, fright, and sleep deprivation, and whipped out her wand.

"Who's there?" She murmured, hoping her voice didn't sound startled. "Revelio!" she flicked her wand, but nothing happened. There was no sound, not even a shimmer in the air that usually predicted a hidden person. Lily looked forlornly down at the couch and figured that she'd just been dreaming. The entire common room was completely quiet, except for her and the lowly crackling fire, and she knew she'd been jumpy of late. "Hallucinations are bad," she mumbled to herself and plopped down on the couch again. She stared at the flames without thinking, blissfully, and was asleep before she knew it.

_She was in pain. Tremendous pain. Her muscles felt like they were on fire, her stomach was revolting, and her very bones felt like they were crushing, dissolving in acid, or melting all at the same time._ This is what death feels like, _she thought. She opened her eyes to see a figure in black crouching above her, a skull mask hiding their face and a snake tattoo marring their arm. He was holding a knife to her skin, carving an unknown design into her arm. From below the grotesque mask, she could see her attacker's mouth grinning evilly, and she could see dark, almost black, eyes—eyes that seemed like they should be familiar—glinting at her._ Who are you? _She wanted to scream, but she couldn't force words out of her mouth, only sounds of pain. The figure suddenly stood up, abandoning his torture and gesturing around him. She looked where they pointed and felt her stomach drop. The ground was littered with people. People she recognized. She could see her parent's figures the furthest away from her, crumpled on the ground, their faces stiff in death and still wearing identical expressions of terror. Next, she spotted Alice, Frank, and Marlene, bound and gagged and bleeding, eyes open and lifeless. And then there were the marauders, all four of them lying inches of one another, all in different stages of injury. She saw Remus, the best of all of them, screaming in pain. His back was facing her and it was raw and bloody. Her eyes fell on James, who seemed to be staring straight at her, praying for her help. She looked up at the masked attacker with pleading eyes._ Why? _She mouthed, feeling like it took ages to figure out how to move those muscles. The figure bent down close to her and removed the mask covering their face, revealing oh-so-familiar features. _Severus? _Lily screeched, finding a voice that was scratchy and painful. _Why? _She asked aloud. Severus opened his mouth to answer, but it wasn't his voice that left his mouth. _This is your fault, _her former best friend said with her sister's voice._ You caused this. _Lily shook her head over and over again._ No. No, I didn't want this, _she pleaded. Severus simply picked up the arm that was still in searing pain and held it to her face. There, bloody and red, and infinitely painful, but legible, was a single word that Lily was more than familiar with:_ Mudblood.

James saw Lily as he snuck into the common room that night. He'd run up to his room before she'd even managed to pronounce the Revelio charm, and he figured she'd wanted to be alone. Why else would a person be sitting in front of the common room fire at three in the morning? But he was worried about her, so an hour later he decided that he would check on her to make sure she was okay. Maybe to convince her to go to bed. He'd barely even opened the door when he heard the shouting. He recognized Lily's voice immediately and shut the door swiftly behind him, running down the stairs two at a time. He was relieved at first to see that she was still alone in the common room, but she was obviously having a nightmare. She was writhing from where she lay on the couch, shouting, "No," and "Please," over and over again. She thought she caught a few names here and there, like Alice or Marlene, but much of her other words were impossible to make out. He went over to her immediately, shaking her to try to wake her up. She recoiled from him in her sleep and kept shouting, so he took her arms and held them gently, murmuring her name lightly.

"Please wake up," He whispered softly, "It's okay, everything's fine, you're dreaming." Eventually, gradually, she did. Her eyes opened and she looked, strangely, at one of the arms he was holding, before letting out a slightly less panicked breath.

"It's my fault," She said haltingly. Then, she looked straight into his eyes and burst into tears.

"No, oh no," James said quite awkwardly. "Don't cry, Evans. Lily. It's okay. It was a dream. It wasn't real." He let go of her wrists and gently moved a hand to her hair, stroking it gently. She stayed still and sobbed, but eventually, the crying stopped, and she lay silently. She sat up carefully, not looking at him, and he removed his hand.

"What time is it?" She winced when her voice cracked.

"Four thirty. Are you okay?"

"No," Lily shuddered. "I'm sorry." She wasn't facing him, looking at the fireplace instead, where the dying embers of the fire still glowed slightly.

"For what?" James said, baffled.

"I'm sorry you had to see that. I'm sorry I'm keeping you up." She tucked her head, letting a curtain of hair hide her face.

"Hey," James said, pulling back the hair so he could at least see her profile. "It's fine. I'm worried about you." He paused to take her in, noticing not for the first time the circles under her eyes and pallor of her skin. "Does this happen a lot?" he asked gently.

Lily nodded. "I usually use _Silencio_ on myself before I go to sleep." She admitted.

"Lily, that's ridiculous. Poppy's got to have some dreamless sleep draught that you can have. Or Slug. You're his favorite after all."

"I'm _fine_."

"Obviously not!"

"No. It...it's not usually this bad," Lily insisted, finally meeting James's eyes and imploring him with her own. "I'm usually too tired to dream." Somehow, he didn't quite believe her.

"Do you want to talk about it?" James asked hesitantly. He was aware that he was walking on eggshells at the moment.

"Not really," Lily said. "It was just nonsense." She cut her eyes away from him, causing him to realize that she was downplaying it a great deal. "I just. The war. It's coming closer and closer isn't it?"

James wished that he could deny it. He wished that the entire world could be like the Gryffindor tower, a tiny bubble of peace, where only trivial annoyances sprung up. "Yeah," He finally breathed.

"It's my fault," Lily muttered, an echo of what she'd said after waking up.

"I have no idea what you're talking about, Evans." James said, his stark words coming out gently.

"My-my parents," She stuttered. "I've had six years of classes telling me how to use magic to defend myself and others, and the one time it truly matters, the most important time, I choke. They died because of me. Because I wasn't fast enough. Because I didn't try hard enough. Maybe even because of who I am..."

"What?" James was growing angrier by the second. He could hear the defeat in her voice, and it practically broke him. He'd always known Lily to be so strong, one of the strongest people he knew, and if she was falling apart, he had no hope for anyone else.

"What if they're right, James?" She wondered. "I couldn't save the most important people in my life. Maybe I'm not meant to be here, in this world, with people like you. Maybe Petunia was right—I should have left well enough alone."

"You...you mean that you think that it's muggleborns' faults that Voldemort started this war?" Lily grimaced at his harsh tone, but he didn't stop. "That is some screwed up shit, Evans. That's exactly what he wants you to think. Your parents were attacked, and tragically, you couldn't save them. But I was there. I saw you do everything you possibly could to help them. I saw you tear yourself apart to get through that wall," His voice rose passionately, and she looked up at him in surprise. "I've seen you carry on with your life. Merlin, you're so brave. I see you every day, Lily, and you've suffered so much, but you keep going, and that's the hardest, bravest thing you can do. If you aren't meant to be in this world, Lily Evans, no one is. Especially not that soulless bastard." He finished his speech, flushing slightly with embarrassment, while Lily simply stared at him. He forced himself to keep looking at her, rather than looking away, feeling that she needed whatever strength he could give to her in that moment. So he held her steadfast gaze, hoping that the steel strength he usually saw in her eyes wasn't gone forever. Her face was flushed, most likely from crying, as he also saw tear tracks drying on her face. He thought she still looked beautiful, even broken as she was at the moment.

Finally, she looked away and cleared her throat, unsure of what to say. "I—thank you, James," Lily said quietly. She reached over and squeezed his hand slightly, and her hand rested on his for a fleeting moment before she pulled away. "I'm going to go to bed."

James nodded as she stood up and quickly jogged up to bed, turning once to give him a small, sad smile before slipping out of sight. James stared into the shadows where she'd disappeared for a second before letting out a harsh breath and dropping his head down, running his hands roughly through his hair.

* * *

Normally, Lily was on top of things. She was the kind of person who finished her essays and assignments weeks ahead of time. She was not the kind of person to ignore the fact that she had nowhere to live over the summer, but that's exactly what she was doing. Obviously, living in Cokeworth was not her first choice, so she turned to her friends for a hopeful home for the summer. Alice was visiting family in France for the majority of break, and she'd tried to hint to Marlene that she needed a place to stay, but Marlene had always been bad at subtleties and Lily refused to invite herself over. Frank, it seemed, had gotten an internship that the ministry and was planning on spending the summer at a relative's in London, and she couldn't fathom asking Remus for that, with all that he had going on. He still didn't know that she knew about his condition. Lost on options, she'd sent several letters to Petunia, begging her sister to let her stay at their parent's house, but Petunia was getting ready to sell so she and Vernon could move in together, somewhere in Little Whinging, she'd gathered. Finally out of options, Lily gave up on Petunia and resigned herself to applying to jobs in London (muggle London, that is), finally finding one at a pub. She hoped that that job would be enough to pay for a place to stay, if she could find one of those as well.

Lily forced a smile onto her face as she said goodbye to her friends when they all departed from the Hogwarts Express. She'd been fairly quiet during the train ride, silently panicking while the hills sped by out the window. In a few hours, she'd be officially all alone. She'd told her friends that she'd keep in touch, even visit sometime, but she couldn't imagine having enough money to pay for an apartment and take off of work. She was living in the real world, if even for a few months, and she had to act like it. Besides, she couldn't live in muggle London and have owls swooping into and out of her apartment. Lily hugged Marlene, Alice, Frank, and Remus hard and even spared a friendly wave for Black and Potter. Then, she turned away, hunching her shoulders and trying to ignore the loneliness pressing down on her.

She had an interview with a strict, but seemingly decent man who owned a flower shop a few blocks from the pub that she'd work at. Mr. Schauber was renting out the flat above his shop for cheap, as long as she worked a few hours cleaning the flower place below. She'd taken all of the muggle money she had and given it to him for a down payment and first month's rent, and hoped that she'd work enough at the pub to pay the rest of it. Mr. Schauber took her up to see the flat, not that there was much to it; just one room, a tiny kitchen attached to it, and a bathroom. All in all, it took her about ten minutes to settle into her apartment, where she 'Scourgified' the graying walls, the shower, and the toilet, and transfigured a mattress from a pillow with not a little bit of work and sweat. She lounged on her newly made mattress and looked at her meager belongings: just a trunk that she'd enhanced with an undetectable extension charm so it held all of her books and clothes, and the gift that she'd been given after her parent's funeral, still wrapped in 'Happy Birthday' paper, still unopened. She lay prostrate for a few hours lazily until she couldn't wait any longer to go to work, then she disapparated from behind the flower shop to an alley beside the pub where she worked and tried to hide her weariness.

Living in that tiny flat in muggle London made her life fairly monotonous. She worked nights at the pub, managing to take a lukewarm shower (because there was hardly ever any hot water in her apartment) before crawling into bed around 4 am. She woke up at 7 for a morning shift at 8 at the flower shop, and catching a nap in between. Her life was lonely, but thankfully, she didn't have enough time to waste on feeling sorry for herself.

Benjy Fenwick started working at the pub a few weeks after she did. Lily took one look at him and fell madly in love. Not in the usual 'in love' sense, but there was just something completely, utterly captivating about Benjy Fenwick. Something that made you feel lighter whenever he was in the room. Something that made you want to say both of his names, no matter how long you knew him. They soon formed a comradery that turned quickly to friendship, bonding over exhausting shifts and horrible customers. And Benjy looked out for Lily, who was a favorite of the male customers. He always managed to accidently spill something or bump into someone when a customer got a little too handsy. Benjy Fenwick was the kind of friend that could make a witch rethink going back to a school that hated her for having non-magical blood and maybe go to a muggle Uni instead, which Lily tended to think about more frequently these days. With Benjy Fenwick, Lily started to imagine what life might be like without a war looming closer and closer.

"Lils, we should go out tonight," Benjy said as he wiped down the bar on a night in late June. His blue eyes twinkled with mischief that Lily found to be achingly nostalgic of a certain group of boys at Hogwarts. Lily hid her feelings and rolled her eyes from where she was mopping the floor.

"It's three in the morning, Benj. Who's still open?"

"I know a few places. We're young, Tiger! Let's act like it!" Lily rolled her eyes at his nickname. No matter where she went, she couldn't get away from 'Tiger Lily', or any modification of it.

"I have to work in the morning, Fenwick. Not all of our parents pay for our apartments."

"It's easier to wake up if you never go to sleep..."

"Been sneaking shots, have you?" Lily stopped her chore and put a hand on her hip, jutting it outward.

"It's not sneaking if a customer buys them for you," Benjy smirked.

"Benjy Fenwick!" Lily lunged at him. "Was it that adorable guy who's been coming here for the past week?" She'd seen her new friend flirting with him.

"Might have been..." He hedged.

"Did he happen to mention that he was going out to night?" Lily guessed.

"Possibly." Benjy started to smirk, but he was too happy for theatrics, and a huge smile finally stretched across his face. Lily picked up the rag and threw it at him.

"You should have lead with that, Fenwick. You wouldn't have had to talk me into anything!"

"Well, I don't want you to feel like you're a third wheel," Benjy muttered.

"Believe me, I've got lots of practice with that," She said smiling, thinking of Alice and Frank and Marlene and all of her boyfriends. "It doesn't bother me. I promise." She finished mopping quickly and swatted Benjy as she passed him. "I've got to go home and change into something acceptable. Pick me up at 4?" She raised her eyebrows at him and he grinned, clocking out and walking quickly back to her flat with a slight bounce in her step.

She'd never been clubbing before. Somehow, Lily thought it would be less crowded. Especially at 4 in the morning. As soon as they'd forced their way passed the gyrating bodies in the club, Benjy handed her a drink and pulled her onto the dance floor. They danced for about three drinks, talking about work and boys and school (Lily made up a few things about a 'boarding school'), and then Benjy spotted the cute guy from the bar coming up to them.

"I'm off. Go get 'em, Tiger!" He shouted to her as he let himself be led away by his date.

Lily smiled and turned around, nursing her drink and watching them dance, thinking about when it may be appropriate to walk herself home. She did have to be at work in a few hours. If she could get herself home, she could catch maybe an hour of sleep. But she caught a glimpse of Benjy with his date dancing wildly among the club goers and decided that maybe she should hang up responsibility for one night. She downed her drink, set it on the bar, and thrust herself into the crowd, moving to the rhythm by herself and letting the music take her. She was just drunk enough not to care about dancing alone, anyway. Every now and then, she'd glance at Benjy to make sure he was still functioning. Around six in the morning, Benjy came to find her, holding onto the man's hand. "I'm going home with Will," He shouted at her over the music. She nodded dimly and grinned at him.

"I'll see you tonight," She replied, figuring it might be time for her to go home as well. She went to the bar to get some water, hoping to sober up a bit before she had to trek home.

She caught the bartender's eye and smiled as he walked over to her. "She'll have a mojito," A deep, vaguely familiar voice said from beside her before she managed to speak up. She looked over sharply to tell whoever thought they could order for her to back off (no matter that that's what she'd been drinking all night), but froze in shock and slight horror the instant she saw his face.

"Black?" She managed to get out. Sirius Black's usual grin was missing from his face in an instant. He looked just as shocked as her, maybe even a little horrified. Lily knew she was. She hadn't even seen any of her actual school friends over the summer. She wasn't really looking forward to slumming it with a marauder.

"Evans? What the fuck?" If she wasn't so annoyed at his presence, she'd probably find the situation funny. Black looked more surprised than she'd ever seen him. Come to think of it, she'd rarely seen him without a cocky, mischievous grin on his face.

"Classy," She said, rolling her eyes. She looked back at the bartender, who had been watching their exchange while he made her drink. She was about to tell him to forget it when he placed it in front of her, and she had to admit that she wasn't sober enough to refuse a free drink. She took it gratefully and turned back to Black. "What are you doing in London? Muggle London, of all places." She added quietly to the end.

"Clubs are my scene, Evans." Black's grin reappeared. "No matter the place. I'm more interested on what you're doing here." He raised his eyebrows at her suggestively. "Never took you for a rebel."

"Still not a rebel," she took a long sip of her drink before responding. "I'm out with my mate."

"Where is she?" Black asked skeptically.

"_He_ already left. He's probably shagging Will wildly by now," Lily realized that she probably should've left out that last part, but the alcohol had made her far less caring about what she talked about. She'd also realized the bitter hint to her tone after the sentence was out, and seeing the amused look on Sirius's face, she couldn't even hold a hope that he didn't notice.

"If you're that jealous Evans, I know a few people who'd love to do the same to you."

"Oh, shut it, Black," She said, a normal sentence for her, but she let out an uncharacteristic laugh, blaming it on the alcohol consumption. "I'm surprised you've not gone home with anyone yet."

"Well, I was obviously trying for it before I found out that the sexy little redhead was you."

"Wow, I'm both flattered and appalled at the same time. You've really got a talent for making me feel good, Sirius. And I'm sorry, but you aren't really my type."

"True. I don't have an abnormally large facial feature that you have to deal with," These boys. They always had to bring up Hugh. She punched him lightly on the arm as he continued. "I'll leave that up other important appendages."

"Ugh," She wrinkled her nose. "Is anything you say not an innuendo?"

"Barely ever," Black replied. Lily turned slightly away from him and sipped more of her drink, feeling it start to take effect as she got a bit happier. "You know," Sirius said from behind her, his voice sounding more somber than she'd ever truly heard. Apparently she was finding out a lot more about Black than she'd ever known. "You've had everybody worried for weeks," he tried to sound casual, but she could tell there was an accusatory note in his voice, and it put her immediately on the defense.

"Everyone?" She asked, trying to keep her temper in check.

"Marlene and Alice keep in touch. They were wondering if any of us had seen you." Sirius cleared his throat. "And here you are, slumming it in muggle London."

"Slumming it is right," Lily mumbled under her breath, and then spoke up. "I'm not avoiding them or anything," Lily insisted. "I can't exactly owl them from my muggle apartment above a muggle flower shop in the midst of tons of muggles. I may be of age, but there's no way I wouldn't break the Statute of Secrecy or something."

"So send a message from Diagon. You're close to it, after all. Or you could apparate."

"Well. I haven't got to it yet. Been a bit busy." She swallowed the rest of her drink and stood up, albeit a bit wobbly on her simple, black heels—the only one's she owned. "I've got to leave or I'll be late for work. Thanks for the drink, Black." She turned around and started making her way through the crowd, deciding by the time she got to the door that walking home would be much easier if she braved any cuts she would get and went barefoot.

"What the fuck are you doing?" She heard a voice shout as she stopped to slip her heels off.

"Walking home, moron," She said to Sirius, who was looking at her like she was acting like a lunatic. Honestly, she probably was, but she wasn't exactly in her right mind at the moment. "It's easier like this."

"Nope. No. I can't let you do this. Come here." He grabbed her and dragged her towards a sleek black motorcycle.

"Gerroff me, Black," Lily said, struggling. He let go of her, but he thrust a helmet into his hands.

"How can you drive? Weren't you drinking?"

"Not for hours. I'm fine. Just tell me where you live. And get on." He swung his leg over the bike and looked at her expectantly. She hesitated for a second before complying. She knew that if she didn't, he'd simply drag her back. So she gave him her address and vague directions and climbed onto the bike, knowing that when she'd sobered up, she'd most likely be mortified. In no universe had she ever thought she'd be this close to Sirius Black, willingly hugging herself closer to him. "Hold on," Sirius cautioned. She slipped her hands around his waist and held on tightly as the zoomed towards her apartment. The world flew by, making Lily a bit dizzy, so she tightened her hands around Sirius's waist. She closed her eyes, trying to get rid of the swooping in her stomach and the spinning world. When they finally stopped, Lily jumped off the bike and sat down on the curb.

"Merlin! Evans are you gonna hurl?" Sirius followed suit, sitting beside her rather awkwardly.

"Not sure yet," She groaned. Her stomach felt like it might just crawl up her throat and jump out by itself. She took a few deep breaths, putting her head on knees. The longer she sat, the better she felt. She couldn't fathom, however, getting up and walking into her apartment. She was still way too dizzy for that.

"Well. Thank god you waited until we'd stopped." Sirius was still talking. Lily nodded vaguely and stood up, feeling her stomach settle, even if her brain didn't.

"Okay." She studied her watch, squinting her eyes to make out the tiny numbers. She was supposed to start work at eight today, and it was just coming up on seven. If she was lucky, she'd have enough time for coffee and a shower. "I've got to get ready for work," She told Sirius. She looked up at him, as solemnly as possible in her state, and gave him a hug. "Thanks, Sirius." She whispered before turning around quickly and getting into her building as fast as she could. She managed to do it without stumbling, barely, but she held onto the wall the entire way up the stairs to her flat. She immediately took a shower, using as much hot water as possible, before pouring some water for herself and transfiguring it into coffee. By the time she had to go to work, she'd drunk three cups and was only feeling a slight buzz. Thankfully, cleaning up around the shop meant that she didn't actually have to interact with anyone, so when she finally became fully sober and a headache set in, she just did her best to ignore it and anyone in the shop.

"Lily," Mr. Schauber said loudly at about noon, causing Lily to wince at the volume, "I need to go out. Will you mind the shop?"

She nodded swiftly at her boss and landlord, slightly surprised. He'd never asked her to look after it before, but she was glad that she might have a few moments alone. Shockingly, Benjy showed up a few minutes after Mr. Schauber left. He knew that she worked at the shop in the mornings, but he'd never visited her there before. "Benjy Fenwick!" She exclaimed quietly, not wanting to agitate her head more.

He grinned at her and pushed a cup towards her. "Coffee," He explained. He pulled a bottle out of the pocket of his jeans. "Aspirin." He held up a bag of takeout, grease stains evident from the outside. "Gross hangover food."

"I take it you had a good night," Lily said, raising her eyebrows.

"The best, Tiger Lily." He watched her take a gulp of coffee and swallow a pill before continuing. "How was the rest of your night?"

"Surprising," Lily said, opening the bag of food. She'd thought that her stomach would object to the smell of the greasy food, but she found herself to be hungrier than she'd thought. She looked up to see Benjy looking at her, waiting for more details. "I met a bloke from my school. We're not...really friends. But he was nice."

"Nice?" Benjy wondered. He was narrowing his eyes, obviously wondering if she was alluding to something.

"Nice as in, not a right prat like he usually is. I was...a little wobbly when I was trying to walk home, so he gave me a ride."

"But..."

"But no romantic or sexual interests at all, Fenwick. For all I care, you can take a crack at him."

"Is he gay?" Benjy perked up. Lily rolled her eyes. Benjy hadn't even seen Sirius and she could tell he'd be all over it. She had to smile, though, because Benjy Fenwick, with his unrestrainable optimism and infectious happiness, and extremely carefree personality was exactly what Lily needed this summer.

"I honestly don't know. He's been with girls, but I have a feeling he's not exactly constrained by gender," Lily, while not honestly caring much to notice a lot about Sirius Black, did see him ogling certain older boys during their younger years at Hogwarts. Always in that overly confident way of his, of course. "In any case, I doubt I'll be seeing him again anytime soon."

* * *

James was sleeping, of course, when Sirius had the bright idea to start jumping on his bed. He'd been having a great dream about a certain redhead that he was acquainted with, when all of the sudden, he was jarred awake by his prick-of-a-best-friend screaming at him, basically breaking his bed, and managing to land on his face when Sirius fell over.

"What the fuck, Padfoot?" James ground out, pushing Sirius off the bed and looking at the time. Seven a.m. Of course. "Why in Godric's name would you come here at this time of day? Why are you even awake?"

"Never went to sleep," Sirius replied with a smug grin.

"Of course." James rolled over, shoving a pillow on top of his head and attempted to fall back asleep, but Sirius wasn't having that. The next thing he knew, he was being tugged out of bed by a huge black dog. "Padfoot, knock it off or I swear I'll hex your bollocks off." The dog whined and sat back on his haunches, tongue lolling happily as he stared at James. James sighed. He could never say no to Sirius when he'd gone all Padfoot. "Fine. What?"

"I went to the club last night. The muggle one in London, a few miles from Diagon Alley?"

"So?"

"Well. Something happened there. Very interesting things."

"Padfoot. If you don't get to the point immediately, you may find yourself without a penis."

"Why are you so obsessed with my dick, Prongs?" Sirius grinned, but had to jump out of the way of a hex that James sent his way. "Okay. Fine, fine, calm down. Put your wand down and I'll talk." Sirius held his hands out in front of him in a peace gesture.

"Start talking and I'll put my wand down." James had his wand aimed at whatever body part he could point at and still be laying down.

"Fine. I was at the bar, and I tried to buy what I thought was a sexy redhead a drink, and she turned around, and lo and behold, it was Evans."

"What?" James wasn't quite comprehending the situation.

"Evans. Lily Fucking Evans was at this muggle club. Completely smashed, mind you."

"You were trying to pick up _Evans_?" James yelled. He lunged for Sirius, who deftly moved out of the way. James stumbled and fell out of the bed, knocking his head slightly on his bedside table. He wasn't exactly nimble in the mornings, and was less so when angry.

"Merlin, Prongs. I wasn't trying to pick her up! I didn't know it was her, until I saw her face. She sure doesn't dress like that at Hogwarts..." Sirius trailed off, his voice gaining a dreamlike quality that James heard frequently.

"Don't you dare," James said, barely reigning in his anger. He sat on his bed, stock still and back straight, staring at his best friend, silently warning him not to push any further.

Sirius looked at him and cleared his throat. "Anyway, I bought her a drink, because I didn't know she was her, and we had a chat."

"Padfoot, you're being purposefully vague, and I will punch you for it."

"I just said that no one had heard from her and we were all worried. I may or may not have gotten pretty annoyed. All she did was mention something about the Statute of Secrecy and being busy. A load of shit, I think anyway. Then, she left and tried to walk home, but she was going to walk home from this sketchy muggle club shoeless, so I gave her a ride back to her apartment."

Sirius finished and looked at James, who was half glaring, half staring in astonishment. "And you did this without getting hexed at all?"

"I doubt she had her wand on her," Sirius said. "She didn't have much room for it, did she?"

"Sirius, if you do not shut up about how fit you think Evans is, I will become violent."

"Oh, shut it, Prongs. You know I only do it for you. I observed because you couldn't be there to. Anyway, just thought you'd like to know that Evans is spectacularly alive and well, and I happen to know where she lives."

"What's the point, Padfoot. It's not like she'd want to hear from me anyway."

"Well. I've given you a gift, Prongs. Do with it what you will."

* * *

_'I doubt I'll be seeing him again anytime soon '_

Lily figured she should stop saying those types of things. She was working in the pub in late-July, moving around the room swiftly while trying to avoid some of the more vulgar customers. She knew that some people would think she was 'asking for it', with her super short skirt, and a few buttons popped open on her extremely fitted blouse. She'd probably have thought that too, a couple months ago. She'd realized, however, that dressing like that got her more tips, and tips paid her bills. She was simply just working the system. Besides, this uniform came with the advantage of being much more comfortable in the sweltering kitchen in the dead of summer. On the specific day when fate laughed in her face, the pub was bustling, and Lily was stretched thin. Benjy was multitasking, minding both the bar, and helping Lily with a few of the tables, while she worked the majority of the floor. She was taking the order of one specific family, a mother, young daughter, and despicable husband who's hand was inching his way to her arse. She'd tried to step away from him, but he had these abnormally long arms that snaked up her legs for a grab. His wife was blissfully ignorant, tending to their toddler. His hand had almost made the entire journey when he suddenly jerked away in horror, staring at a sizeable welt growing on his hand.

"You've got bees in here!" He exclaimed rather stupidly.

"I'm afraid not, sir," Lily replied cheerfully, carefully scanning the room for someone with a wand. She knew what'd caused that welt. She'd caused several welts just like it before. "As you can see, the pub is busy. Someone would have noticed a bee. Now, excuse me while I go give your order to the kitchen." She walked swiftly away, meeting Benjy at the counter. "Did you see anything...unusual?" She asked him cautiously. If a wizard was using magic in a crowded pub, someone would most likely have to be Obliviated. Benjy shook his head, but seemed as concerned as she was. She smiled slightly at him and gave the horrid table's order to the kitchen, turning back around to study the room before her eyes locked on familiar gray ones that sat in a booth not far from where she'd just been. "Okay, Benjy Fenwick," She said with a sigh, not taking her eyes off of Sirius. "Back into the fray."

Without a glance at her coworker, she walked over to the wizard's booth, managing to avoid a few close encounters with fumbling customers. When she finally reached Sirius's table, she was all business. "What can I get for you, sir?" She asked politely, keeping her face carefully neutral.

"A firewhiskey sounds nice right now, but I'll settle for the muggle stuff for the night. An added thank you would be nice as well." He gave her a shit eating smirk that she rolled her eyes at.

"Would you like a term at Askaban with that as well?" She retorted. She looked up from her notepad and caught Sirius's amused gaze with a hard one of her own. "Honestly, in a pub full of muggles! What were you thinking?"

"I was thinking that that man was about to have a handful of your arse and you weren't doing anything to stop it. I was helping you, Flower."

"Well. Thanks for that, but don't do it on my account. I, for one, don't want to be responsible for your trip to prison."

"Ah, Evans, I'm flattered, truly."

"Yeah well, it's just because I'd feel guilty, really."

"Sure."

Lily smiled slightly, talking a deep breath. "I wanted to thank you, Sirius." She felt her face flush slightly as she ducked her head. "I'm really glad that you got me home safely."

"Aw, Flower. It was the least I could do." He was still giving her that self-satisfied smirk, but his eyes were somber.

"Yeah, well. A lot of people wouldn't have done it. So thanks."

"My pleasure, Evans."

"Anyway," Lily cleared her throat. "I've got to get back to work. I'll get you that whiskey. Did you want food with that?"

"Nope. Your lovely company is really all I need."

"Flattery will get you nowhere, Black," Lily called over the din of the pub as she walked away. She could practically feel the boy grinning at her, and she let a grin of her own grace her face. Benjy was looking at her strangely when she got back to the bar.

"Un-romantic, huh?" He asked skeptically.

"Completely platonic," Lily shot back. "I would give you a number, but I don't think he's got a phone. Fenwick, I need a whisky. Neat."

Benjy scoffed as he poured Sirius's drink. "Well, I've never seen you interact with any customers quite like that."

"I act like that with you."

"Yes, but we're in love," He handed her the drink. "Lily," He called after her as she left the bar. She turned back to him with a questioning smile. "No matter either of your intentions...be careful, yeah?"

"'Course, Benjy Fenwick." Her smile turned warm. "Anything for you."

"Here's your drink," Lily said, setting the whiskey firmly down on the table. She turned slightly, hesitated, and whipped back around to Sirius, who was looking at her in confusion. "Benjy and I are going to the club again when we get off work, if you'd like to join us. We usually leave by four in the morning." She smiled hesitantly at the dark haired boy. "I promise I won't get raging drunk this time."

"May I ask, Evans, why you're so eager to spend time with me?" Sirius raised an eyebrow, looking every bit the Black that he was related to by blood, but still retaining the decency that she knew he had.

"Maybe I've realized that you're not a huge twat," Lily stated bluntly. "I'll be the first person to admit that I can be uptight at school. I may act like I've got something to prove to the world...but...I've realized that maybe you've got something to prove, too. But maybe it's just because I've found that I like spending time with you."

"When I'm not acting like a twat, you mean." Sirius grinned, choosing to ignore the middle of her speech predictably.

"Exactly. Anyway, if you want to come, just meet outside my flat at four. You remember where it is?"

"Flower living with the flowers? Of course I remember."

"Hilarious and original, Black. See you later."

She'd told Benjy to meet her at her apartment at 3:30, because she wanted to talk to him about Sirius. She could tell her friend was wary of the wizard. Even if he didn't know anything about _that_. She let Benjy into her flat, and they sat on her bed and passed a tiny flask back and forth.

"Are you sure you're okay with Sirius coming with us?" Lily asked again.

"Babe. I just want you to be happy. And if he's anything like he seems, he'd probably show up to the club whether he was with us or not." A loud crack sounded from below them, and Benjy jumped up. "What was that?"

_That_ was the unmistakable sound of apparition, but Lily obviously couldn't say that. "Probably Sirius coming in. I left the side door open. He's clumsy." Lily lied with ease that may have been aided by the alcohol buzzing in her system.

"We should check anyway," Benjy said persistently, leaving Lily on her mattress, watching the world fuzz a bit here and there. She stood up on wobbly legs—without heels this time, thank you very much—and made her way down the stairs to the side door to see Benjy saying something to Sirius, looking much more confrontational than any happy person should look.

"Hey, boys." Lily called from the top of the steps. She started stepping down them carefully. "Are we ready to go?" Sirius raised his eyebrows in amusement, but Benjy just gave her a concerned stare. She smiled at both of them, and then gently pushed them out the door. When Sirius had gained a little ground, Lily pulled Benjy towards her. "I know what you're thinking, but you don't need to worry about Sirius. He's a little immature sometimes, but he's one of the good guys." Lily stared at him, her eyes imploring him to understand. "He seems like a shady character, but he's one of the most decent people I'm around at school. So lay off, alright?" She gave her friend a little shove and hurried up to catch up to Sirius.

* * *

Sirius was way more concerned about Evans than a normal person should be, and he'd be the first to admit that he wasn't normal. He'd left her at the bar to chase down a brunette that he'd spotted, but when he looked around, he couldn't see her anymore. And Benjy had long been dancing with some bleach blond guy who sounded like he was from America. He wouldn't mind, except for the fact that, instead of getting in a good snog with the brunette, he was tracking down the redhead that his best mate was in love with. Sirius sighed and turned another corner of the dark club, hoping to find Evans somewhere.

"Siriiiiii!" He heard a squeal to his left. His head whipped around just in time to see Evans launching herself at him.

"Evans!" He said in shock as her arms went around his neck and she buried her head into his chest. The girl he'd been talking to threw him a disgusted look and left.

"Oh, did I ruin your life? Did you want to have sex? Should I go?" Lily babbled on and on, her questions getting more garbled, and Sirius assumed, more impertinent, as they continued.

"Are you drunk?" she didn't exactly seem drunk to Sirius, who'd had loads of experience with drunken Evans (well, one night, but one night was enough).

"Nope! Justheonedrinkatthe...the...the thingy."

"The bar?" Sirius raised his eyebrows at her, and she nodded her head enthusiastically.

"I bought myself another one, but I took a few sips and got sleepy, so I wanted to find you!" She looked up with wide, innocent, glassy eyes, reminding him of the Imperius curse...shit.

"Lily," Sirius said, trying to hide his panic. He grabbed in his pocket for his wand.

"No Siri!" Lily said loudly, apparently knowing what he was searching for. "We don't want anyone to know! That's why we're secret!" she put her hand on his, a little too close to anything important to be comfortable.

"Lily, I think you've been cursed," Sirius said hurriedly. "We've got to help you.

"You're being silly, Black," Lily slurred. "Let's go find Benjy, I want to dance." She walked away from him, stumbling into some dancing girls without as much as a glance their way. Sirius followed her, keeping an eye out for Fenwick as he did. He'd finally caught sight of her and slipped a hand around her waist, pulling her to him just in time to see a rather grimy older man try to grab her for a dance.

"Sorry, she's with me," Sirius said confidently, glaring until the other man backed away, though he was still surreptitiously scanning the crowd. He finally saw her other friend making out with the American by the far wall. "Let's go get Fenwick, Lily," Sirius suggested. She nodded happily, using his arm for support as they made their way over to the wall.

"Benjy!" Lily shouted when they got near. "Benjy. Beeeeeeenjy Fenwick. BenjyfenwickismyfavoritepersoneverandIlovehim." Sirius's concern grew to panic as Lily started to get more excited, singing and dancing along to her own tune. When Fenwick finally came up for air and saw what Lily was doing, he shoved the American away from him.

"What the hell did you do to her?" He asked Sirius roughly, pulling Lily to his side.

"What? Nothing! I found her like this. She looks..." He cut himself off just before giving away his magic.

"...drugged." Benjy finished for him. Sirius assessed Evans again and realized that it was true. That she was acting completely, _utterly_, simply drugged, but he'd been conditioned to expect the worst.

"We've got to get her home," Sirius said.

Lily turned to Sirius once again, stopping her dance and stumbling a bit. "You think I hate you," She said to him, quite lucidly. "I don't. I don't hate you."

"It's okay Lily," Sirius said, trying to calm her down.

"No. I don't hate you. Don't hate James either. Don't hate Sev—wish I could." And there she went again, her words turning into a weird song as she stumbled along in some sort of strange dance. S

"She shouldn't walk home. She could pass out at any time, depending on what she took." To prove Fenwick's point, Lily looked up at them and giggled, before her eyes rolled back into her head and she slumped to the ground. Sirius quickly caught her before she hit the floor, but her dead weight almost dragged him down with her.

"Look," Sirius said, making a decision quickly. "You go to go tell the bartender what's happened. Hopefully they can catch whoever did this, though it's highly doubtful. I'll take Evans out of here and we'll meet you outside." Sirius adjusted his hold on Lily so that she was draped over his arms instead of hanging loosely from one of them. He carried her with difficulty through the crowd of people, stopping by the bouncer when he finally got to the door. "She's been drugged," he yelled over the music, noticing their critical stares. He couldn't help a quick, sarcastic, "Great job with security!" as he passed them. He ignored the furious looks he was getting and slipped past them out the door, letting Lily's feet fall to the ground so he could support her more easily. He lightly tapped her face with his hand, trying to wake her up. "Lily. Flower. Evans, merlin. Wake up. Please." Her head lolled about gently, but she didn't even stir. "Fuck," Sirius whispered. He heard the door bang closed behind him and saw Fenwick exiting the club.

"Fenwick," Sirius shouted, making what he knew to be a rash decision before deciding he didn't exactly give two shits. "Grab her other arm," He hollered at the man who wasn't walking fast enough into the alley. As soon as he saw Fenwick grasp Evans, he turned on the spot, apparating them all into Lily's flat. Sirius heaved both himself and Lily onto her small mattress without Fenwick's help, looking back to see the man kneeling on the ground, moaning.

"Warn a bloke before you apparate, why don't you?" Benjy said, clenching his stomach in his hands. Sirius's eyes snapped up to his, realizing what he'd said, and Benjy's did the same, once his own words registered.

"You're a wizard?" Sirius whisper-shouted incredulously.

"Not exactly," Fenwick replied.

Lily groaned, and both men rushed towards her, checking to make sure that she was still okay.

"She needs something. Pepper Up potion, maybe? Does that get rid of drug induced unconsciousness?" Fenwick asked. "All muggles have is water and aspirin. And maybe smelling salts."

"How delightfully barbaric," Sirius muttered. "Pepper Up potion should work fine, if we could get some. Shouldn't you know this?"

"I told you, I'm not a wizard."

"Then how do you know about it."

"Look here's the deal. We aren't friends, obviously. I don't trust you as far as I can throw you, and I'm almost positive that you feel the same about me. So let's ditch the bonding session and focus on Lily, alright?" Fenwick narrowed his eyes at Sirius until he rolled his eyes and nodded in agreement.

"I know where I can get some potion," Sirius said. "I'll be back." And with that, he disapparated.

James wasn't sure what was up with Sirius these days, but if he had to wake up to his oaf of a best mate jumping on his bed one more time, Sirius would wish that he'd been Crucioed. "James!" Sirius was saying intensely. "You have to wake up."

"Whasit?"

"I need some Pepper Up potion."

"Wh'time?"

"About 5:30. James I need this potion. Does mum have any of it?"

James was falling back asleep, but apparently Lord Sirius Black wasn't about to let that happen. A resounding crack filled the room, and James felt a sting on his cheeks as he was abruptly, unfortunately, and untimely awoken. "What in the absolute _fuck_, Padfoot!" His eyes snapped open to see his friend inches away from his face.

"I. Need. Pepper Up. Potion. Now." Sirius repeated unapologetically.

"Go. Find. It. And. Leave. Me. Alone."

"I don't know where it is, Prongs. Your mother's storage room is like a maze. It's practically the Room of Requirement!"

"Accio it, you moron."

"Oh. Well." Sirius sat back from where he was leaning over James. "Okay. Go back to sleep I'll see you later." Sirius made to leave, but James's arm shot out to grasp his.

"What's going on?"

"Nothing. Just a minimal disaster. Sirius Black: Protector of the Small type thing. No need to worry." Except that Sirius's voice was much faster than normal, a cause for James to worry quite a bit.

"What happened?" James demanded shortly.

"Nothing, Prongs. Nothing at all. I'll be going now." He shook James's arm off and slipped out of the room, but James wasn't about to give up. His best mate was acting more suspicious than he'd seen him in a while. He followed Sirius down to the storage room beside the kitchen and watched while Sirius summoned the Pepper Up potion, saving him from nearly being buried in several liters of it.

"Tell me what's going on, Sirius," James said from the doorway, crossing his arms over his chest in what he hoped was a formidable position.

"Not a chance," Sirius said with a grin. He disapparated with a bottle of Pepper Up. Groaning, James trudged back up to his room and fell into his bed. Sirius would tell him eventually, he thought. Usually, you were hard pressed to keep information _inside_ of him.

* * *

Lily positive that she'd never had a worse hangover. She woke up groaning because of the aching in her head, caused by the light sensitivity, the pounding of her blood, and the fact that her apartment didn't really smell the greatest, and groaned even more because her headache spiked with the noises that she made. She moved and felt her stomach roil, felt something about to come up and reached for something, anything to put her head in and possibly never come out. Her hands came in contact with hard, cool plastic, and the next thing she knew, she was unloading the entire contents of her stomach into what seemed to be a wastebasket that she didn't know she owned.

"Tiger Lily!" She heard a voice cheer happily. The sound grated straight past her ears and into her brain, causing an explosion of pain and nausea.

"No," she groaned into the trash can that held her sick. She hugged it closer to her, not even daring to hope that she'd thrown up all she could. "Just. No." Her voice hurt as it tumbled out of her throat. She wanted to fall back asleep to blissful unawareness, but she knew she hurt too much to become unconscious.

"Cheer up, flower, I've got some Pepper up." Lily moved her head as quickly as she possibly could in the direction of the voice, surprised to see Sirius. Why would Black have stayed over at her dingy old apartment.

"Give me that," She demanded to him, taking the potion that he held out to her swiftly. Ignoring the pain and nausea that came both with more light to her eyes and the movement of her head, she downed the potion quickly, loving the way she immediately began to feel the effects. In only a few moments, her stomach stopped roiling and her headache subsided to just a dull ache behind her eyes. She squinted at Sirius. "What are you doing here? What _happened_ last night?" She racked her brain for information, but couldn't seem to remember anything past remembering that she wanted to find Sirius.

"So much, Tiger Lily, that I'm afraid we'll have to wait for Fenwick to fill us in."

"What's Benjy got to do with it?"

Sirius smiled cryptically, annoyingly. "You'll see."

Lily groaned and fell back onto her bed, covering her face with her hands. "Not remembering things is never good. Did I make an arse out of myself?"

"Oh absolutely," Sirius laughed. "But we assume—Fenwick and I, that is—that it was entirely not your fault, so you're off the hook."

"Sirius just shut up and tell me what happened."

"That's oxymoronic, isn't it, Evans?"

"Fucking hell." Lily pulled a blanket over her head to better block the light and tried to ignore a snickering Sirius beside her. Sirius lounged backward, leaning on the wall beside her head.

"Honestly, these few weeks have been very educational, Evans. I never knew you could throw down like this." Her annoying companion said.

Lily's lips quirked up, not able to completely able to repress a smile, though she didn't respond. In a few moments, the door to her flat banged open and she heard Benjy's hushed curses as he stomped into the room. "Benjy Fenwick!" Lily groaned, lifting the blanket enough to just barely see him carrying loads of coffee and what looked to be fast food over to the bed. "Make Sirius shut up."

"Love to, Lils." Benjy handed out the coffee all around and Lily shot out a hand from under her blanket to grasp hers, still keeping her face partially covered. "First thing's first though," Benjy's voice gained a hard edge as he spoke. "What the _hell_ are you doing hanging with wizards?"

Lily felt scalding coffee hit her hand as she squeezed the cup she held a bit too hard. She whipped the blanket off her face, ignoring her headache, and sat half-way up, leaning on her empty hand behind her. "What _happened_ last night?" She asked incredulously.

"There was a situation," Sirius said, looking unconcerned. Lily studied him, saw the slight anxious glint in his gray eyes, and found that he was a lot more on edge than he seemed at first glance.

"A situation." Lily repeated flatly.

"Yeah, well you went and passed out, didn't you?" Sirius sighed and ran a hand over his face. "No one had any type of auto—or whatever the fuck most of you muggles drive. I had to apparate you home."

"And he decided not to tell me anything." Benjy put in bitingly.

"Makes it easier to Obliviate later if you didn't know what happened," Sirius pointed out. "But you did," he accused.  
Benjy opened his mouth to argue further, but Lily sat up further and reached her free arm out to Benjy, laying it softly on his forearm. "How do you know about wizards, Benjy?" She asked quietly, ignoring a huffy Sirius beside her.

Benjy looked at the floor, the wall, his coffee, anywhere but the people who sat in front of him. Lily could tell he was reluctant to speak, so she drew her hand away slowly, about to retract the question when Benjy finally spoke. "My parents are magical. The whole family is, actually." He said finally, resigned.

"A squib," Sirius breathed, except he wasn't very good at whispering and they were all sitting quite closely together.

"Shut _up_, Sirius." Lily ground out.

"It's true," Benjy said with a shrug. "And my parents decided after a while that they weren't really sure they wanted a squib, so as soon as they legally could, they kicked me out. Of course, it was a year before I became an adult in the muggle world, so I had to forge some paperwork. And now here I am, working at a bar and going to Uni next year."

"God, Benjy. That sucks," Lily breathed, wishing she could convey her sympathy in more eloquent terms, but her headache seemed to wipe her head clear of many words. She was sympathetic, however. Her only living family hated her as well.

"Not as much as finding out my best friend is one of the very people I'm trying to avoid." He said with a bitter smile.

The words took a second to process and then Lily's entire demeanor changed. Her back straightened, her head whipped, eyes finding Benjy's and the sympathetic frown froze on her lips, the corners turning downward. She felt a sting in her nose that meant the sting of tears were soon to follow, but she forced her eyes to be hard, unyielding. Was it her own personal curse, she wondered, to have everyone she loved decide that she wasn't good enough? Was Benjy about to throw her away just like Petunia did even before Sev had shoved her away as well? Lily had to admit that she couldn't blame Benjy for hating magic, and hating her by extension, and felt some of her anger ebb into sadness at that revelation and her posture slump slightly in defeat.

"Benjy," Lily said slowly, calculating. She was teetering on a decision she'd been trying to make for the past few months. "I don't have to be."

"What?" Benjy's eyes squinted in confusion and his eyebrows drew together.

"A witch, I mean. I could go to Uni. I could get a muggle job," Benjy's face was still a mask of confusion, but Lily was picking up speed, formulating a plan even as she spoke. She completely ignored a shocked Sirius beside her and turned to face Benjy completely. "We could get a flat together. I don't have family either, you know. Just us against the world." She was kneeling in front of him, taking his hands in hers and looking into his eyes earnestly. She could see Benjy thinking it over, see a smile start to form, and she thought that maybe, just once in her life, someone might not leave her.

"Wait a fucking minute, Evans," Sirius shouted from his position behind her, breaking into the hopeful bubble that Lily had encased herself in. "What the fuck are you thinking? You can't just drop out of Hogwarts! That's ridiculous! It's not safe anywhere else!"

"And what the fuck am I supposed to do, Sirius?" Lily rounded on him, her face flushing in anger as her voice became sharper and louder. "Go back to a school where I'm patronized every day just for who I am? How can Hogwarts be the safe place you make it out to be when I'm in danger every time I patrol? Am I supposed to just let all of that shit happen to me?" The rational part of her brain was telling Lily to calm down, to breathe, and to think about all of this sensibly, but she was so goddamn tired of being the sensible one, so she let her instincts take over for once and shoved rationality away.

"We're all fighting, Evans. We're all going through the same things! At least at Hogwarts we can protect you."

Lily scoffed. "Are we going through the same things, Sirius? You may be labeled a blood traitor, but everyone knows that pure bloods can be forgiven. Have you heard what they do to mudbloods? Have you seen the aftermath of Death Eater attacks?" Sirius stayed still, his glaring eyes giving away the fact that, no, he hadn't seen what happened to muggleborns, and he most likely never wanted to. The wishful thinking, that desired innocence, is what caused Lily to calm down in the end. "It's not like I'm the only one thinking about it, Sirius." Lily said, resigned. "Loads of other kids have already dropped out. I'd be in hiding. I might be safer as a muggle than as a mudblood."

"Stop saying that word," Sirius snapped.

"What does it matter, Sirius?" Lily said tiredly.

"It matters because it means you're giving up," Benjy said quietly. Lily was fairly surprised by his injection into the argument. "You can't just lead a muggle life, knowing what you know, being able to do what you do."

"But I don't want to lose you," Lily said, sounding pathetic to her own ears. "I lose everyone."

"You won't lose me, Tiger." Benjy said affectionately. "I'll be here."

"Yeah, in muggle Uni, where I'll never see you and I can't send owls." Lily's sullenness was quite annoying, even to her own ears, but she couldn't seem to stop it.

"Lily, you're being dramatic," Benjy chastised. She hung her head in shame. "You've sent muggle letters before, you've told me. You can apparate from Hogsmeade to visit me every time you get a chance. And I won't turn on you. How could I?"

"Are you sure, though?" Lily argued. "Can you promise that? Because my sister and I were supposed to be close forever and look how that turned out."

"Do I look like Petunia? Am I blond and angular with big teeth?" Benjy pulled on his very brown hair in frustration. "I'm not going to desert you." He said quietly, but firmly.

Lily nodded hesitantly. "Okay. I'll go back. But if I show up at the dormitories you can't make me turn back."

"I couldn't make you do a thing you didn't want to, Tiger." He pulled Lily into a hug and she melted into him, reveling in his warmth.

"As heartwarming as this is," Sirius interjected, "I've actually got to split."

"You interrupted a moment, Black," Lily said, but her tone didn't hold any anger. "I'll see you later." The boy just grinned and disapparated with a crack.

* * *

James never did figure out why Sirius had fled with some Pepper Up potion so late at night, but his days became more and more monotonous as school approached and he mostly forgot about it. Sirius and he spent most of their time playing Quidditch in the yard or training with James's father, the resident Auror. Sirius would leave many nights without explanation, but James tried his hardest not to ask. Sirius was a deeply private person, and even James couldn't make him tell any secrets that he didn't want to.

His mother dropped his newly-delivered Hogwarts letter in front of him early in the morning on August 1, after pulling him out of bed, of course. The letter thumped thickly on the table expectedly, and James assumed it was his Quidditch Captain's badge doing the thunking, but Dorea Potter simply stared at her son with an amused, expectant look on her face.

"Could you, at least, not stare at me while I open this?"

"I don't see what the big deal is, I just want to see what this year looks like for you."

"You mean, did I get Head Boy, which I assure you, I did not."

"The letter is thick..."

"Has been for two years now, mum. I'm Quidditch Captain."

"That's not it, James, I can feel it." She smiled at him, her slightly wrinkled face creasing in excitement. His parents were much older than average when they had him, but they could still keep up with him. The Potters all shared the mischievous glint in their eyes, regardless of age.

"Why don't you sit Sirius down and stare at him while he opens his letter?"

"I will as soon as he gets home," Dorea's face slipped into a small, concerned frown before clearing up excitedly. "Do you think it's a girl he's been going to see?"

"I doubt it," James speculated. "You know how Sirius is. Love 'em and leave 'em."

"Fair enough. Do you know anything then?" She questioned, narrowing her eyes at James.

"Nope. Wouldn't tell you if I did, though. A man's got to have his secrets!"

"They do, do they?" Dorea rolled her eyes. James's wouldn't last a week if he knew juicy drama about Sirius and a bird, or what he was doing out at all hours of the night. She cared for Sirius like a second son, but she knew he had to have his space. He was an adult, after all.

As if they'd called him by talking about him, Sirius swooped into the dining room where they sat, smiling brightly. "Hello, Potters. Lovely morning, is it?"

"What's this? Is Sirius Black awake before noon?" Dorea threw a hand over her heart dramatically.

"Stuff it, mum," Sirius mumbled, stuffing himself full of a muffin that one of the house elves handed him. "I just got in."

"From where?"

"Around," Sirius said shiftily, smiling at James like he knew something that James would most certainly want to know, as always when he came in from a night out. "Letters came today?" Sirius asked, spotting James's on the table.

Dorea threw Sirius's down on the table, though without extra weight to pull it down, his floated softly onto the wooden surface. "Open them already!" She commanded.

"You first," James said to Sirius. He rolled his eyes, but complied. Sirius's letter was a run-of-the-mill beginning of the year letter, outlining the books used and welcoming him back for yet another school year. Both his adopted brother and his mother looked at him, with their eyebrows raised in an eerily similar expression as he began to open his letter. Sirius groaned at the drama of his slow opening, but as a shiny, unexpected badge fell out onto the table, all sound in the dining room stopped. He read the 'HB' letters on the badge and gulped, not quite believing it. He sit staring for so long, in fact, that Sirius grabbed the letter from James's hand, almost cutting him in his excitement.

"James Potter," Sirius read excitedly. "As Deputy Headmaster at Hogwarts and your own Head of House, I'm extremely pleased to inform you that you've been chosen as Head Boy for the coming school year. Both you and the Head Girl were chosen for your leadership experience as well as your determination and wit in and outside of school activities. The academic board believes that this year's head students will complement each other perfectly, and we all agree that this could be a year that Hogwarts will remember forever. It is recommended that you set a meeting time with the Head Girl before your departure to school in order to create a united front among the prefects and the entire school.

We look forward to seeing both you and Ms. Lily Evans with your badges on September 1st at platform 9 3/4..." Sirius trailed off, noting that the rest was just the same as Sirius's, about the books he'd need and classes he would be taking next semester. "Holy shit, Prongs. Holy shit, Evans." He looked at James with wide eyes. "I've got to go." In the blink of an eye, he disapparated, leaving a shocked and confused James and Dorea Potter.

* * *

The rest of the summer fled quickly and somewhat predictably for Lily. She was completely involved with her two jobs and spending time with Benjy or Sirius outside of work. She looked back fondly on one night when she and Sirius simply downed a bottle of whiskey while bitching about their respective families. Sure, his was miles worse than hers, but if anyone can understand a loathsome family member, it would be him. He told her stories about he and Regulus, about how close they were as children, about how Sirius would take the blame for some of Reg's mix ups and fall outs, consequently making his younger brother the ideal Black, while he fell further and further away from favoritism with his parents. Being sorted into Gryffindor was something of the last straw for the Blacks, though they kept up appearances for some reason until fifth year, when Sirius finally ran away.

"Why did you stay so long?" Lily asked him softly, snatching the bottle of whisky away and gulping some down.

"Reg. I didn't want to just leave him there, in that poisonous place. I didn't want him to become one of them." He snorted then, murmuring that he didn't prevent that from happening anyway.

"I'm not so sure," Lily said. "Before...fifth year. When Sev and I...well, I saw Regulus interact with the rest of them and he didn't seem quite as enthusiastic about the whole pure blood supremacy thing."

"That's two years ago now," Sirius pointed out. "He's on a fast track to being a Death Eater. I don't know how to fix it." He stole the bottle back and finished it off with several large gulps. Lily took that as a sign to move on. Obviously Regulus was Sirius's sorest spot.

"My sister hates me," Lily said. She figured if they were talking about siblings, she might as well throw her dirty laundry out there too. "Has ever since my parents died, maybe even before that. She's always despised magic. By now, I just imagine that it was only a matter of time before she decided she despised me as well."

"That's ridiculous. You can't control that you have magic." Sirius seemed less down now that they weren't talking about his family, though anger and sadness still flamed in his eyes.

"Yeah, well she's been looking for an excuse to distance herself from me for years. And I don't blame her for it." Lily cleared her throat and looked at Sirius. "How much has James told you about my parent's death?"

"I know it was at King's Cross. Death Eaters. A lot of good people died that day; wizards and muggles alike."

"Right, well, I beat myself up over it, literally and figuratively. And I thought, for some reason, I could reach out to Petunia—" She noted Sirius holding back a snort at her sister's name, but ignored it. "—and comfort her. We were in the same position, after all. Of course, at the funeral, she shut me down. Told me that it was my fault they died, that it was my fault and magic's fault, and none of this would have ever happened if I had been born normal, like her." Lily willed the tears that pricked her eyes away. "She'd made up her mind about me ages ago. That just solidified it." Lily sighed. "But, like I said, I don't blame her. She's right. If I hadn't been too slow, if I'd stood and fought rather than running, if I hadn't asked my parents to take me to the train station, if I'd never gone to Hogwarts, hell, if I'd never been born with magic...my parents would still be alive today, and that's the truth. Someone has to be to blame in this circumstance. Petunia doesn't know anything about Voldemort and his followers, but she knows about me, so I'm the one that's at fault."

"It's not fair," Sirius pointed out.

"It's life," Lily retorted, and Sirius just sighed in agreement. "Why'd you drink the rest of the whiskey?" Lily ribbed him. "I need a good swig right now." Sirius smiled at her and whipped a metal flask out of a pocket. "Cheater," Lily said, but snatched the flask away and took a sip of the alcohol inside, reveling in the burn as it traveled into her stomach. They never mentioned it, but Lily knew that both she and Sirius were glad that they'd not just passed over each other this summer.

* * *

Her annual Hogwarts letter arrived on the first of August, but she simply shooed the school's owl away and threw the letter down on a chair, hearing a suspicious clunk, but she thought nothing of it as she ran down to the flower shop to start her first shift. The bells jingled merrily about half an hour before her shift was due to end, and she looked up to see Sirius strut through the door. "Hello, sir," Lily widened her eyes, trying to convey that her boss was in the back room, a few feet away. "Can I help you with something?"

Sirius smirked annoyingly at her, going to inspect some flowers close to the counter where she worked. "Did you get a letter today?" He asked her knowingly.

"I did," She whispered to him. "I haven't opened it yet."

"You've got to!" Sirius exclaimed loudly.

Lily shushed him. "I'm sorry sir, why don't you look at these lovely gardenias," She spoke, making sure Mr. Schauber would hear her in the back. She walked with Sirius over to a secluded bunch of flowers. "Don't be so loud," she chastised. "Or overdramatic. Nothing's different about this letter than any other year." Looking at Sirius's grinning face, she reevaluated. "Unless it is..."

"I'm not telling." He said, smirking.

"Black! Tell me or I'll put a permanent grease hex on your hair," Lily threatened.

"Evans, you aren't nearly as scary as you used to be. Besides you don't have your wand."

"Unless I cast an undetectable extension charm on my pockets, which any self-respecting girl has to do to fit anything in there..." She reached into her pocket swiftly, but before she could grab her wand, Sirius's defenses went up.

"Okay, okay fine. Maybe you're still a bit threatening." Lily grinned and pulled her hand out of her pocket. "I'm not going to tell you, but I will get you the letter so I can see your face as you open it."

He was off and headed up to Lily's flat before she could respond. She went back to man the counter and waited the few minutes it took him to find the letter and return to the shop. "Thanks Sirius," she said wryly. "You're a saint."

"Open it." He demanded. Lily smirked at him as she carefully broke the Hogwarts seal and opened the letter meticulously. She pulled the letter out carefully, grabbing the badge that came with it tightly in her hand, and staring at it. In one hand, she read the letter quickly, eyes flitting over each line in less than a second, hardly believing what she was reading. She stared down at her own badge in shock, a pleasant flush gracing her cheeks until she realized that this really was real, and it wasn't a dream, and then that she'd truly have to cooperate with James Potter. When she'd finished, she met Sirius's smug eyes with astonished ones of her own. "Didn't see that coming, now did you?"

"Not a bit," Lily sighed. "James isn't even a prefect, I just assumed..." Lily shook her head, touching her temple with her hand. She was filled with relief that instead of pairing her with a Slytherin, who could have been a pureblood supremacist type, but she wasn't sure what else she was feeling. Sure, she knew James and she were on more friendly terms these days, but would those terms hold up while they worked side by side?

"He'll be good, you know," Sirius broke into her thoughts. "He's a leader if there ever was one." Lily nodded, hoping that the movement of her head would shake some of the fog out.

She cleared her throat. "Yeah. I know." She thought back to all of the times he'd helped her, no matter what sort of past that they'd had. "He'll do well," She agreed. Sirius was still grinning at her and she shoved his shoulder. "Prat," She said affectionately. "You could have told me."

"Seeing your face was worth it." Lily shook her head. "I'm off," Sirius said. "I believe Dorea is preparing a celebratory dinner for us over at the Potters. See you later?"

"Later," Lily agreed. Sirius was halfway out the door when Lily called him back. "Congratulate him for me, yeah?"

"You can do it yourself, Evans. You'll see him when school starts."

* * *

_**Author's Note:** Hello, lovelies. I just wanted to thank everyone for sticking with me. Quick story: I was finished with Chapter 7 back in December, took a quick read-through and realized that I hated it. So I started again. What you're reading here has absolutely nothing to do with what chapter 7 would have been, had I published way back then. That being said, I'm terribly sorry that it took me so long to update, and I'm even sorrier that this reads like a filler chapter. I just couldn't get around the fact that Lily and Sirius HAD to be friends. Sometimes, to me, that's more important than the Jily action. Anyway, sorry for the wait, since I'm NOT starting from scratch for chapter 8, hopefully it won't take me a ridiculous amount of time. _

_Smooches and Deuces _

_Meg_


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